As of right now, it seems as though my future is coming full circle. Almost a year old, I was carried in my mother's arms as she crossed the stage at BYU's graduation. My family teases me about how that was my first "graduation". And now, having received my admissions email from BYU Provo less than a month ago, I'm in the process of making my plans for college there, where--within approximately four or five years' time--I will once again cross the stage, on my own two legs, at BYU's graduation. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to go to BYU Provo. Knowing both my parents went there, that I spent a year as a baby with my parents there, and that I've visited the campus multiple times makes it a very special place for me. It's like that one moment at my mother's graduation--a memory I don't even remember but thoughts and imaginations of which I treasure--has cultivated everything from my education to my hopes for the future to my application to BYU, all the way up until I actually begin attending and then later graduate.

Receiving not just my education, but a good one, seems crucial to having a good, fun, successful life for me. There's so much you can't do without an education: get a well-paying job, pursue a career, support a spouse/children, raise one's IQ, have a more intelligent and knowledgeable state of mind, learn an instrument, go to college, go on a mission, publish a book, etc., all goals of which I very much desire. I want to get so many experiences out of life, and it seems that starts most easily with working hard on my education. Especially when as a female, I'm at more of a disadvantage, with the pay wage gap, fewer job opportunities, and education bias. Being passionate about receiving my education means taking honors and AP classes when you'd rather take easier classes that won't require so much of you. It means more often than not prioritizing academics and homework over socializing with friends. It means focusing and studying for tests, AP tests, for the SAT, for the ACT. It means deliberately finding some sort of cure for senioritis. It means sitting down for hours every day to work on essays for college applications and scholarships, despite not having any way of knowing whether or not I'll get in or win any. It means maintaining my 3.98 GPA my senior year despite having contracted senioritis and not having yet found a cure for it. It means implementing my interests and desires into my education, so it's not just all work (what good is learning and having a steady job and career if it's not fun and interesting?). It means, when I'm exhausted and mentally drained and done with trying to do well in school, I remind myself of the reasons for why I'm putting constant effort into my education. And I'm passionate about doing all of these things for my education because I want to live my best life, whatever that looks like for me. An ideal life where, after having received an excellent education, I can pursue my interests and dreams and goals with the steady knowledge that I've educated and prepared myself to properly pursue them. To me, not wanting to receive a good education and not putting in the work to get that education only limits yourself and your opportunities in life. In the moment, it might not seem that big of a deal to not study for that test, or to take that easier class, or to settle for that C+. But with a long-term perspective, it seems irresponsible, insufficient, and self-limiting to not pursue that higher education.

Musical theatre fuels me. It’s a place where I can go to be free, where I can be anyone, on stage or in real life, where I can stage-cry with the real tears I’m holding inside, where I’m loved despite and because of everything about me. It drives me with its liberating freedom and opportunities for change. It’s as though I live in a movie there, with all the cliche lines delivered and the comedic timing precise and the melodramatic arguments reenacted, and it’s incredible. When I feel like I’m losing control of everything, including myself, I can escape through theatre. Writing fuels me. I can write down all the thoughts churning within me. I can paint a story so vivid and real it's like I can escape into another world for as long as my pen is moving or my fingers touching the keyboard. I can skillfully hatch essay after essay for scholarship after scholarship. Living my best life fuels me. I want to get as much experience out of life as possible, which sometimes leads to me overloading myself with too much. But it's this driving need inside me, to experience and experiment and enjoy and have fun and learn.

It isn't very easy for me to speak my mind in today's world. My opinions often severely differ from the majority's opinion. I'm more conservative, whereas most of the people around me daily are more liberal. Our opinions clash constantly, and I often feel judged by the majority for daring to have a different opinion. It's scary being one of the only ones in the room that disagrees with something that everyone else agrees on. However, I constantly remind myself that just because I have an opinion or belief that most wouldn't agree with doesn't mean I shouldn't have or say it proudly. My opinion matters just as much as anyone else's, even if it's not popular. Of course, I should be considerate of and open-minded about others' opinions, which I strive to do. But I refuse to be silent about what I think or believe. It's also an empowering test of character, to realize I need to speak up and voice my opinion when not a lot of people want to hear it or agree with it. It reminds me of the strength of my beliefs and why it's so important that I speak my mind.

Realistically, I would take ten percent of the money (100$) and store it away in my tithing bank. This would leave me with 900$. I would then easily and lamely put that 900$ in my savings account, where my kind, generous parents would match that money with 900$ of their own. I'm ridiculously frugal and a saver at heart. Plus, with my parents matching all the money I'm putting into savings for college, why not take advantage of that and have all the money I've received matched dollar for dollar? This course of events leaves me with $1800 in total, $800 more than what I started with. That's $1800 more toward my college expenses. That would save me precisely 120 hours of work. Now, unrealistically, I would buy three boxes of "The World's Greatest Chocolate"--a current obsession of mine--eyelash serum, jewelry, clothes, a new phone, a laptop for college, a ticket to a Broadway show (preferably Hamilton, except that might take most of it), a copy of a self-published book, and a small bag of Trader Joe's mangoes with $800. Then I would go around and perform random acts of kindness with the remaining $200, like paying for someone's meal in a drive-thru or giving a homeless person food.

Song

I've never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety or any sort of disorder or mental illness, so you'd probably say for a teenager I've been pretty lucky. I'm pretty happy most of the time. But I don't think it just all comes down to luck. I actively and daily do things that help with my mental health and self-esteem, some of which include exercise; regular eating; music; good, productive conversations; journaling; and singing. If I don't do a couple of those every day, my mood is significantly worse and I noticeably feel less happy. Exercise is crucial because it releases healthy endorphins, regular eating because it gives me energy, music because it hypes me up, good conversations because it gets my brain going and gives me a feeling of satisfaction and productivity, journaling because it helps me organize my thoughts and process my emotions, and singing because it's a good outlet for my feelings. I think taking care of your mental health consistently and religiously is very important to leading a productive, healthy life.

I've always loved my confidence, my genuineness, and my desire to always be myself. I'm willing to talk to anyone, try anything new, handle myself in any sort of social setting. I haven't always been super confident, though. I used to struggle a lot with being myself. If I wasn't the confident person I am right off the bat, it was like there was this wall I couldn't break through in order to show others who I really am. I struggled with knowing this wasn't who I was and not knowing how to fix it. So now, when it comes to meeting new people or dealing with social situations, I just jump confidently in head first and show everyone exactly who I am. A lot of people are drawn to my confidence. But what they don't realize is that sometimes I'm uncomfortable or awkward or uncertain, too. Even confident people have their insecurities. Which is another reason I love my confidence. It lets me hide my insecurities and let me seem almost perfect to others. It camouflages my weaknesses. Which isn't to say I don't acknowledge my weaknesses. I just don't want others to see mine. And I make sure of this with my confidence.

Music--and all the areas of it--is one of my favorite hobbies. Music is something where I lose all track of time. Where I stroke keys in soothing dark silence or roguishly pound to entertain a pumped crowd with my former band or nervously accompany my high school choir. Where I teach piano to children from my ward. Where I play the organ in church, summoning hymns from its pipes and the Spirit to our meetings. Where I teach myself guitar and ukelele, writing messy lyrics and chords into beginner songs. Where I sweat from exhaustion and exertion at school dances, where I sing and dance myself hoarse. Where I dance with my sister and cousins in my free time, practicing moves over and over, as though I can only express myself through precise synchronization and perfect timing. Where I enjoy high school musical theatre, half-anticipating a heart attack as I give everything to the expectant audience and the performers’ expectations I’ve set for myself. Where I’m wrecked with emotion hearing the tuned voices of thirty fellow choir members joined in harmony, breathing, volume, and feeling. Where I sing everywhere, anywhere, simply seeking incremental, consistent improvement. Where I harmonize, dancing between melody and dissonance and the pure bliss of executing the notes. Where I win a Vocal Music Sterling Scholar for my school my senior year. Music permeates all aspects of my life. I’m always trying to learn and do more of it. I seek it everywhere. Crowd entertainment, choir solos, theatre roles, online guitar/ukelele tutorials, piano opportunities in church, seminary, theatre, choir, or otherwise. Music is one of the most natural, beautiful parts of my life.

Empathy is about being selfless, about forgetting yourself, and focusing on helping others in their times of need. If you become so caught up in your own needs and wants, you aren’t able to remain aware of others’ needs and wants and empathize with them. Empathy is also a good way of showing love to others you care about. People will want to be around you and even return the favor when you’re empathizing with them. Think of how good you feel after you empathize with someone, or after someone empathizes with you. It creates this connection of love and compassion that wouldn’t be there otherwise. Treating others with empathy can also involve serving them. It can be as simple as smiling at someone or offering a compliment or as big as shoveling someone’s driveway or paying for the person behind you at a drive-thru. Any and all gestures count toward serving someone and making their day. And while it certainly has a positive impact on others, service also has a wonderful affect on oneself. Research shows that doing service is proven to release endorphins and reduce stress, both healthy consequences. Consistently pondering ways to help others will result in me thinking more about others and focusing less on myself, as mentioned earlier, and lowering my stress levels about what I need and want. Empathy is very important to me in terms of being a good person to others and focusing outward instead of inward. Its effects on me and others around me can only be good.

I’m a very social, extroverted girl. But I’ve definitely had my fair share of feeling left out and excluded. At a recent church conference, one of the speakers asked everyone in the room to stand up if the statement she posed applied to them. She breathed: “Stand up if you’ve ever felt alone.” Every single person in that room stood up. It hit me so hard. Everyone, no matter who they are or how confident they seem, has felt alone at some point in their lives. One of my friends--whom I’ll call Rose--is very shy but has always wanted to go on a date. Once I turned sixteen, I encouraged her to ask a certain boy out and asked a guy out myself so that way Rose would feel more comfortable on a double date. Rose had a lot of fun on the date and is now much more confident with asking boys out and has been on several more dates. With my friend groups, I’m often the host of game nights at my family’s house, inviting all my friends and making sure everyone knows each other. And once my brother became a freshman, our friend groups started mixing by planning activities together, and now we have combined game nights all the time. I am also on my high school’s seminary council, which includes making people feel welcome at seminary. I decided at the beginning of the year to start leaving notes on people’s desks or singling out outsiders in the class to talk to. These are all examples of the need for inclusion I’m striving to address. I always try to include and gather everyone around me. I never want anyone to feel friendless, alone, or excluded.

AUBRIE'S TO-DO LIST: 1. Win a scholarship. Even a 500$ one. (What if this is the one!!) 2. Go to college (preferably BYU Provo). Get a bachelor's degree. 3. Get in a fight. Just for the experience. Or get arrested mistakenly. 4. Skydiving. (I'm terrified of heights.) 5. Get a pet. (I'VE NEVER HAD ONE, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?) 6. Fall head over heels in love and get romantically, lovingly married. 7. Have six kids. We will see how I'm feeling about this after the first pregnancy. 8. Get a book published. I have been working on this for most of my life. 9. Have a boyfriend! (I realize these are out of order.) 10. Go on a mission. 11. Be kissed in the rain. (Sorry, I'm a romantic, but I'm proud of it.) 12. Stay firm in my religion and beliefs throughout my whole life. 13. Make $6,000 this summer; which would be a lot easier with scholarships! (wink wink nudge nudge.) AUBRIE'S BEEN-THERE-DONE-THAT LIST: 1. Got a driver's license and a car. 2. Went on my first date and got my first kiss. 3. Set the school record for girls' squat, deadlift, and bench press. 4. Got into BYU Provo. 5. Received the Vocal Music Sterling Scholar for my school. 6. Decide on a major. There are so many options!! And I have so many interests!! 7. Hired for my first job. 8. Cast as a soloist in my school's fall musical "Annie". 9. Learned how to play the organ. 10. Tried softball, soccer, rugby, wrestling, volleyball, and drill in high school. 11. Asked to be the bass in the Madrigals' Women Quartet. 12. Auditioned into the NYC "Open Jar Broadway Institute". 13. Wrote an essay for this scholarship.

Yesterday I ate a pickle, Or what I thought was a pickle It was green, and lumpy And fat and wet and just all bumpy It tasted weird, but I guess all right It felt quite queer, and really light Then it jumped from my hand onto a log And I realized--“Whoops!”--that it was a frog Today I went to catch a frog, Or what I thought was a frog It was green, and lumpy And fat and wet and just all bumpy It felt weird, but I guess all right It felt quite queer, and really light Then my friend took a bite; said, “You Sammy Fickle!” “This frog here’s just a pickle!” So tomorrow I think I’ll go For a walk to the mall in the snow And get myself a snake named Bob ’Cause there’s nothing you can confuse with a snake, Except for a cake, (no, no, wait) Maybe, maybe, not a snake, or a Bob, Just a pickle, or a frog, On a log.

There is a quote I have always loved, courtesy of the father of Gordon B. Hinckley, one of the apostles from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Hinckley wrote home to his father from his LDS mission, complaining about feeling homesick and unneeded. His father’s response was, “Forget yourself and go to work!” This great quote reminds me constantly of how one way I think it's best to improve your mental health: service! I see service as being selfless, forgetting yourself, and focusing on helping others in their times of need. If you become so caught up in your own needs and wants, you aren’t able to remain aware of others’ needs and wants and empathize with them. Showing love to others you care about and receiving love from others will also help with your mental health. People will want to be around you and even return the favor when you’re serving them. Think of how good you feel after you willingly serve someone, or after someone willingly serves you. It creates this connection of self-love and compassion that wouldn’t be there otherwise. In the future with my mental health, I want to constantly be thinking of daily ways to serve others. And I don’t think it has to fit an ideal service. It can be as simple as smiling at someone or offering a compliment or as big as shoveling someone’s driveway or paying for the person behind you at a drive-thru. Any and all gestures count toward serving someone and making their day. And while it certainly has a positive impact on others, service also has a wonderful affect on oneself. Research shows that doing service is proven to release endorphins and reduce stress, both healthy consequences to fixing one's mental health. Consistently pondering ways to help others will result in me thinking more about others and focusing less on myself, as mentioned earlier, and lowering my stress levels about what I need and want. Being a good person to others and focusing outward instead of inward can only have good effects on my mental health.

I've always loved my confidence, my genuineness, and my desire to always be myself. I'm willing to talk to anyone, try anything new, handle myself in any sort of social setting. I haven't always been super confident, though. I used to struggle a lot with being myself. If I wasn't the confident person I am right off the bat, it was like there was this wall I couldn't break through in order to show others who I really am. I struggled with knowing this wasn't who I was and not knowing how to fix it. So now, when it comes to meeting new people or dealing with social situations, I just jump confidently in head first and show everyone exactly who I am. A lot of people are drawn to my confidence. But what they don't realize is that sometimes I'm uncomfortable or awkward or uncertain, too. Even confident people have their insecurities. Which is another reason I love my confidence. It lets me hide my insecurities and let me seem almost perfect to others. It camouflages my weaknesses. Which isn't to say I don't acknowledge my weaknesses. I just don't want others to see mine. And I make sure of this with my confidence.

In my sophomore year of high school my best friend told me she was gay. It was my first exposure to the real world. Where my beliefs as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ would be challenged over, and over, and over again. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that my best friend, the one I’d known since seventh grade, the one who I always assumed I’d go to college with, liked girls. Had she ever liked me? How was this going to affect our friendship? Had she been lying the whole time when she’d told me about her crushes on boys? Did she hate me for all the, while not cruel, but insensitive comments about those of the LGBTQ+ community? And, the hardest part of all, how was I going to find a balance between being her friend but standing firm in my beliefs? But it didn’t even come down to me having to find a balance. After everything I tried in order to keep our friendship and love my friend and stand with my beliefs, my friend started dating one of our other friends, and now they’re so close there’s really just not any more room for me in my friend’s life. I don’t even think she’s my friend anymore. And the reason I don’t know for sure is because she’s too busy with her girlfriend to tell me. So now I think I understand the real world a little more. Sometimes your friends aren’t always there for you no matter what.

I'm a tall, muscular girl. This is not ideal in today's society. I should be thinner, less muscular, less big-boned. I have never participated in a sport where I was immediately proficient. I’ve played soccer my entire life and I have never been great at it. I’m not fast enough. I stuck out next to the other girls, all long-legged and slender and fast. I never felt like I belonged. A while ago, my friend Camryn, who is the girl captain of the wrestling team, approached me in her search for recruits. She was growing desperate since willing girl-wrestlers are so rare to be found. Somehow, she convinced me to come to an wrestling open gym the following Thursday. I showed up not entirely sure what to expect. What I certainly didn’t expect were the other few girls. They didn’t look like the girls I knew. They looked muscular, built, tough. Camryn asked to be paired with me. First, she taught me the wrestler’s stance. Then she taught me a basic move called a shot. After Camryn taught me another couple of beginner’s moves, Coach came over to check our progress. After a little while, he told me, “I want you to wrestle Camryn.” Nervous but determined to do my best, I fell into my wrestler’s stance. Camryn mirrored me. She was smiling, ready to pulverize me in front of Coach. At Coach’s “go”, we started to circle each other. Camryn went for a shot, hooking my leg up against her hip before I could do anything. Desperately, I locked my arms around her neck so she couldn’t flip me and shoved off the ground with my free foot, surprising both of us when I was strong enough to bring both of us to the ground. Acting on pure instinct, I swung my foot over Camyrn’s back, placing myself on top of her and locking my arms around her elbows. I worked my legs under her calves, fettering them in place. One of the guys yelled, “She’s leg-riding her!” I had no idea what that meant. Camryn was bucking beneath me, but she couldn’t throw me. I wrapped my arm around her neck and clasped both hands beneath her armpit. I held her in that position, my muscles straining to restrain her, until Coach called the match. Camryn just stared at me. “Aubrie, did you know that leg-riding is third-year level? I don’t even know how to do it!” “Forget the leg-riding. I’ve never seen such raw talent,” Coach said. He helped me up and pointed at one of the yellow state championship banners on the wall. “You see those names up there? You could be one of them. Heck, you could go to college on a full-ride wrestling scholarship with that talent.” It was the words I’d been waiting to hear my whole life. Raw talent. Scholarship. I had never been amazing at any sport in my life. And here I had just won against the wrestling team girls’ captain who’d been wrestling for three years. Let me just say, that was one of the moments I’ll remember for the rest of my life. Where I found out I wasn’t just good at something, but naturally incredible at it, because of my strength and build. It takes a certain person to be good at wrestling. It takes a certain person to be proud of their body and the way they’re built, even if it’s not the norm. That person is me.

As a junior last year, I had an AP Language teacher whom I absolutely loved. She was so incredibly passionate about her subject that she inspired all of her students to love or at least tolerate writing in some form. She was fun and quirky, throwing in little quips here and there and cracking everyone up, and then effortlessly bringing in our focus onto the subject at hand. She made sure everyone felt included and that their opinion was valid and wasn't going to be rejected or mocked. In all my previous high school English classes, I'd always felt limited, held back. I consider myself an exceptional writer for my age. But my English teachers always taught at a pace that, while not exactly slow, wasn't quite what I needed. I felt restricted by the rules and prompts of writing they threw at me and like I couldn't write just as freely as I wanted. Which isn't to say, of course, that I shouldn't learn other ways of writing and to adhere to others' prompts. But I was frustrated by how those classes weren't letting me showcase my writing skills. I'm the sort of person that likes attention, so I've always enjoyed letting others read what I've written and either compliment or critique me. It's what I really need when it comes to writing. And it's what I got from this AP Lang teacher. She ran a tight ship, making sure everyone learned and was ready for the AP test at the end of the year, but she also let us free. She shaped our learning in such a way that you could simultaneously learn and express one's opinion and discuss mature, heavy topics and showcase your talent to others in the class. She was my teacher, but she was also my friend. I confided in her several times for advice with areas of my personal life, and I even asked her to write a letter of recommendation for me that I could add to my college applications. She did so willingly, and put a lot of time and effort into it for me, which I really appreciated. At the end of junior year, I was so sad to be leaving her class, but I found out that she also taught Creative Writing, which is the class I am currently taking from her this year as a senior. I've loved this class even more, being such a lover of creative writing as I am, and she has been even more willing to stretch my wings out in my poems and short stories. I will always be so incredibly grateful for this teacher and how she helped me pursue my love of fictional writing.

My biggest artistic ambition is to publish one of my fictional novels! I absolutely love writing, especially creatively. It would be an absolute dream if I could get just one of my books published. I love when others read my writing and give me feedback on it and I think that if I was able to get into a good college where I'd be able to take a really hard, challenging creative writing class, I would maybe, just maybe one day get a book published!