When I nearly died from anorexia brought on by gender dysphoria and negative body image, it was the pursuit of knowledge that dragged me out of that hole. I knew I had to live because there were still historical theories I hadn’t learned and books I hadn’t read. I taught myself that the world is always bigger– and through educating myself on trans and queer history I felt more at home in my body than ever. As I realized I was living a human experience fought for by people who found a way into themselves, I viewed myself as a culmination of beauty instead of disgust. After my hospitalization, most public school teachers did not help me reintegrate and left me stranded to find months' worth of missed notes on my own. Knowledge was my lifeline, I was getting desperate, and there was one person I knew, one source of endless information, who would offer to be my professor: my grandfather, with his archaeology PhD and tendency to turn every phone call into a history lecture. The day after I returned home, I asked him what he knew about the Christian Crusades, uncapped my pen, and scribbled down notes while he talked for over an hour. I got a perfect score on that essay. Intellect was my suit of armor stronger than internalized doubt and need for validation.
As a trans guy, I grew up constantly comparing myself to other idealized versions of what masculinity was "supposed" to look like: peak physical condition, completely flat front and back, a body made of hard boxy angles and no curves. It was easy to get away with skipping meals when my neglectful mother forgot to make dinner half the time and didn't pay enough attention until I was calling her from a hospital bed. I thought I was gaining control over a part of my life that trapped me in a physicality devoid of choice, but all I was doing was shriveling away.
I do believe in hope, though. After everything I'd been through as a kid, the bullying and neglect, the cruel friends and hot-cheeked embarrassment after finally cutting my hair, I knew from the books I read that adversity bred strength. And I decided that I was going to live, that I was going to white-knuckle and fight my way to a happy ending. So I started to fuel myself again, not only with food but with literature and art and history and nature. I made choices every day to wake up and do something that would remind me that the world had more to offer than the snares of my own thoughts: wandering art museums with a sketchbook, devouring novels, busking for coins on guitar in city streets, walking along the shoreline with my earbuds cranking out punk song after punk song.
My physical health grew strong. I gained weight. Fat and muscle. Finally passed the minimum healthy point. I got outside every day, moved my body with the intention of celebrating it rather than punishing it. I surrounded myself with people and things that brought me up, not down. The more I learned about history and humanities, the more I realized that the most important thing I could do as a trans person was live and embrace myself regardless of what the world slung at me. I'd be lying if I said that I was perfectly mentally okay; every day is still a choice between the road of relapse and recovery. But the right choice is unbelievably worth it.
Once I'd clawed out a future for myself, I had the world at my feet. I think it’s quite beautiful that Education is a widely available major – implying that the art of sharing and illuminating knowledge is not a commodity but a honed skill. It takes years of practice, trial and error, and flexibility to collect the necessary skills to adapt to different students’ learning styles. My professional goal is to be a teacher; my personal goal is to be a good one. The best way to achieve that is to put myself under the tutelage of as many diversely educated people as possible— and in return, encourage a variety of interests and methods with my future students to synthesize a broader worldview.
It would be to the benefit of our children to raise a generation of passionate thinkers who defend the rights of their communities and are capable of forming independent ideas. The disease of anti-intellectualism gives people a false sense of stability when they remain complacent. It all starts with the teachers and the instructions we are fed as children. We need now more than ever to incite true excitement and inspiration in history, literature, art, music, sociology, psychology, and all of the liberal arts that define our identity as humans.
I've observed that most kids don't hate learning, they just hate the discouraging and competitive school environment. The joy of people's eyes lighting up upon being given the opportunity to indulge in a true passion is unmatched. For me, the pursuit of knowledge was a lifeline I clung to throughout high school and I did everything in my power to extend that appetite to my peers. I cannot watch students slip through the cracks and be labeled lost causes because no teacher gave them the chance to show their strengths.
We as transgender people owe it to our past to not be forgotten-- to not let ourselves submit in fear to the world that wants us to kill ourselves and shoves us into every box we fought so hard to break free from. Schools are meant to be safe places of knowledge, and now more than ever it is crucial to preserve information and history in an age that shows no regard for facts. As I grow older, I am grateful for every chance I have to teach others on our past in order to create possibility in the future.