I never knew school would make me feel so happy but it did. It was my first day of college and I was absolutely terrified. I did not know a single soul but I needed to head out for my first class. The first day was sunny and I knew it was going to be a perfect day. Everyone was so happy to be back on campus and I just could not believe that I was in college. All of those sleepless nights and long work days to save up for college finally paid off. During my walk to martin hall, I was filled with joy and happiness. I get a phone call from my dad and I answer. We talk about my classes and at the end of my phone call he says "I am so proud of you and your mom would be so proud of the woman you are becoming." I sobbed but quickly realized I was in public and found my hall. When I walked in, I was completely lost but found someone (my future best friend) who had the same class as me and we walked together. Once we found the class we were so scared but quickly laughed it off and walked in. It was a tiny class but we managed to find a seat. We sat down and looked at the screen. "Math 1060: Calculus one" When the class started my teacher began talking and the next thing you know class ended and the rest of the day was exactly like that. That day was so simple but it will forever be a core memory. I never thought I would be able to attend a University out of state because of my family income but I made a way to go. I think the reason why this was my favorite moment in college is that I put in so much work. As a First Generation American and college student, I knew it was going to be hard but I never used it as an excuse to give up. From my early high school years, I knew I always wanted to study engineering at Clemson University but I was scared if it would work out of not. It did happen and experiencing my first day was my top moment. When I went to bed that night I was so optimistic about my future years at Clemson University.

As a kid, I had these crazy moments of panic but I never knew what they were until my mother died. That unfortunate event led to downfall of my stable mental health. Everyday felt so unstable, feeling like I was going to die of some sort of disease or even nothing. I suffered everyday in silence because I thought my feelings were not valid. Even though I suffered with my mental health badly in middle school, I wouldn't have known how much worse it would get in high school. Dealing with my anxiety, panic attacks, and depression while no one knowing, makes surviving extremely difficult. I did get this one wonderful trait from my mother that has helped me stay just above the water and alive is her ability to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Even in her final days, she had this positivity that makes you want to go on for her. I want to be a light for others that deal with mental health issues. I just want others to know that there feeling are always valid and that life can be good even though it feels like there is not. I plan on doing this by becoming a politician. All of these experiences that I have had have shaped me to become a fighter for everyone. As much as people love to talk about mental health issues, not many people want to listen and help others because it requires too much "effort". However, I want to because I understand and it truly breaks my heart that many voices are unheard. I want to do this for myself and my mother, Delilah.

My life has always been the opposite of easy. I have always dealt with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression because of my mothers death. I felt so lost and numb to all emotions. I was tired of living through the motions. I always felt like something was missing but could not decide what it was. I always considered myself Christian however, I never really put my faith into him and I always doubted his existence. Over quarantine, I really lost myself and had extreme panic attacks every night. I would cry each night crying out to God for a change till one night where I remember I said " Please God, I need a sign of you, I cannot do this anymore" and I went to sleep devastated and lost. I woke up the next and still felt disappointed. I got ready went to work. I was saying hi and bye to customers and I say bye to these two women and they say bye until one turned around and asked me if I had wanted to go to church with her. I automatically new that this was the sign. My face got hot and I felt all my negative emotions go away. I said "YES!" She started to tell me about how God had told her to invite me to church. I was overwhelmed and things started to feel so much more clear. After some time, I bought a bible and started to attend some bible studies. I felt true Joy and started to meet more Godly people and that motivated me to read the bible more. I no longer felt the need to live a worldly life and did not need the male validation from boys my age anymore. This has been the greatest decisions I have ever made.

I was raised in an environment that taught me to reject my identity, brought on by my own materialistic standards such as wanting what the other kids had and never feeling that what I had was sufficient, ultimately degrading the sacrifices made for me by my family. The lack of diversity growing up, the kids at my school, and the neighborhood I lived in, influence my emotions in a negative way. However this mindset allowed my personal insecurities to overwhelm the significance of my family, lifestyle, and culture. I grew up in a small town so my creative outlet and my ability to think outside of the box felt as if they were heavily limited. Instead of developing an opinion of my own, I clinged onto the opinions of my mother and others. When I was twelve, I lost my source of stability when my mother died. The one person that only truly made me feel like I was worth it, just gone. I had to build a new foundation for myself at twelve years old. While my dad was constantly working, I always had panic attacks day after day, feeling uneasy and unsafe. I got in the habit of keeping myself occupied to compensate for emptiness and pain. As time went on, I slowly started to heal but I faced many setbacks and still felt a part of me was empty. A major setback was moving out of my hometown to a bigger city and I unfortunately had to move schools. This decision was truly a blessing in disguise. I was open to more opportunities that I did not receive at my old school. During the summer before junior year, I found the biggest opportunity, which was an organization called Ironwood tree Experience, which connects youth to the environment. This place gave me a sense of home. Despite attending a new school and my recent introduction to the natural world, I still wasn’t experiencing steady increase of personal growth. This was a volatile journey of finding myself. In my day to day life, I felt alone and I just could not make friends at my new school. It felt like I was starting another depressive episode. On the contrary, when I went into nature, I had a place to sit alone with my thoughts and not feel scared about confronting them. I was able to stand there in the woods and reflect on my past while also laughing too much with the new friends I had made. Nature made me realize that I don’t need material possessions and distractions in the world to make me feel euphoric. It is the memories with the people you love and the environment you create that make life worth living. During summertime, I adventured into a canyon and stargazed with others in the night. This was the first night where I felt like I was truly living. I underestimated how stargazing could change my view of living life to the fullest. For the first time, I was able to feel grateful for what I had and I felt like I was more than enough. Ironwood Tree Experience and attending a new high school gave experiences that made me proud of my culture and what I had to offer. I no longer am ashamed of my neighborhood or speaking of my past traumas. Prior to this realization, I noticed that I did not allow myself to be happy because of my past. Yet, that should be a reason to advocate for myself to reach a level of glee. When I came to this epiphany, my perception of life felt more transparent. A new way of thinking and a simplistic mindset has made me more mature in situations such as managing my mental health and who I surround myself with. I am truly proud of who I have become despite all of my hardships.

I was too young to understand myself yet I hated myself so much. I hated my looks, my ethnicity, anything you could think of. It is so sad to think of my past. I was a little kid, yet I was worried about my appearance because I was bullied by some evil kids. After some time, I knew that I needed to love myself but did not know how. This was one of the most toughest journeys I have been through. It took years of taking out others opinions of me from other people out of my head and replacing them with positive words. Once I realized how valuable I was left many relationships. I had a partner who did not deserve me so I left him because I did not deserve gaslighting or abuse. I started to clean up my life and environment because I did not deserve to be in a messy environment. This journey of self love was not a easy stable growth. It was filled with many good days and many days where I did not want to eat because I could not stand to see what I looked like in the mirror. You take one day at a time with no pressure. I do not believe that I am done with this journey however I have made so much progress and I am truly proud of myself. I have accepted and love who I am. Now, I look in the mirror and see myself for who I truly am not for what the world tells. I deserve a lot and will never accept less.