First of all, I’d just like to say thank you for doing this. I don’t think people understand what it is like to stop being a Jehovah’s Witness, and how difficult it can be to attain a higher education afterwards. I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and left when I was 16. My entire family on both sides were all raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses as well. At a young age, it seemed great. We visited Bethel, we always had congregation picnics in the summer, and I had many friends from several halls. I remember being so thankful that I was raised in the one true religion, and I felt a sense of superiority over my classmates. For a long time, I was very proud to be a witness, and I dreamed of going to Bethel. When I was 12, my mom got disfellowshipped for wanting a divorce from my dad. This was shortly after her father killed himself, and she became severely depressed. I didn’t know it at the time, but I later learned my mother was also an alcoholic, and my dad was physically abusive towards her. Even with the knowledge of his abuse, the elders still chose to disfellowship her. It was shocking to see my mom in that state, and to see all her friends and family over her entire life turn against her. I remember one meeting, an older sister told me that if I didn’t bring my mom back to Jehovah, I would never remember her in paradise since she wouldn’t be there, and if I remembered her, it would make me sad. This was probably my first ‘WTF’ moment. There were many factors which caused me to leave, and it was a process that took years. One factor that started my questioning was getting access to social media. Seeing posts that promoted feminism, LGBTQ+ rights and other similar issues made me realize how uncomfortable I was with teachings on women’s rights and homosexuality. As I got older, I also began to see how women were treated. There were several girls I was friends with who had experiences with being assaulted by older brothers, only to be told by elders that it was their fault, and not to go to the cops. This led me to start investigating other wrongdoings the organization had done; The letter to Hitler, killings in Malawi, and endless coverups of sexual abuse. The last straw was when I had friends from my high school telling me it was too extreme for me to consider getting baptized at the age of 15, and I shouldn’t dedicate my life to a religion with such harsh standards. Shortly after this, I fully stopped attending meetings despite pushback from my family, and I decided I was no longer a Jehovah’s Witness. Since I have left, I’ve gone through so much personal growth. I’m currently attending college 1,500 miles away from my hometown, which has helped me to gain independence and to leave my past. I’ve gone to parties, I have worldly friends, and I have the authority to express myself how I truly want to. One of the biggest changes I’ve undergone is my beliefs and spirituality. Since I came to college, I’ve found myself interested in Buddhism and Taoism. Teachings such as the importance of finding balance, interconnectedness and letting go of what you cannot control has helped me cope in life. I’ve also realized that religion and spirituality does not have to be the center of my life, and just because I don’t dedicate my life to some higher power doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. My view on life has shifted from having a concrete standard for what is good and bad, to understanding that life is far more complex than any human can truly describe, and often good and bad mix together into nothing. Another change I had was realizing the effect that being a JW had on my view of relationships. It was difficult to understand that many people my age don’t want long term relationships, and this has led to unrealistic expectations. I was naive, and I truly thought if I didn’t get into a relationship soon then I would always be alone. I got into my first relationship a year ago, and we both had expectations for it to be long term. However, the pressure of changing my life for him and giving up parts of myself just to make him happy was too much. I didn’t realize it, but I was still trying to conform to the JW standards of dating to marry. Now, I’ve realized that I don’t need to be in a relationship to have purpose, and it’s probably for the best that I don’t put all my energy into a relationship. I want to travel, learn more, and live a more independent life before I settle down with anyone. Some of the biggest support systems I’ve had are my mom, and my new friends I’ve made in college. I attend the University of Idaho, which has led me to meet several people who were raise Mormon is Southern Idaho and left under similar circumstances. It was through meeting these people that the stigma of sin, and worldly people, was eroded. For once I wasn’t judged for being rowdy, wearing what I liked and listening to the music I liked. They encouraged me to get new hobbies and not to fear or judge other people. I love my life, and all the friends and experiences I’ve gained. I am so incredibly happy that I made the choice to leave when I did. Life is hard, in or out of the organization. But having freedom makes it worth it.

My mental health journey has been complex, and unfortunately repetitive. I was first hospitalized at 12 for a suicide attempt, shortly after my grandfather killed himself and my mother was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. Since then, I have been hospitalized three other times, the last being about two years ago. I have tried countless medications, therapists, IOP, PHP, and I still struggle with it. In high school, I failed multiple classes and didn’t believe I could go to college. Even now, I have to stay an extra semester in college due to the classes I missed when I was hospitalized. I felt like I was constantly in a downward spiral, and like I just wasn’t cut out for life. Obviously, this has affected my relationships and my future in a negative way. I often think about friends I’ve lost because I don’t have the energy or confidence to respond to a text, and what opportunities I missed out on in school. However, I know that I would not be the person I am today without these experiences, and while I cannot change the fact I have depression, I can learn to live with it. One of the positive ways my disorder has affected me is through my journey with my spirituality and beliefs. In many intensive therapy programs, there are always some teachings about using yoga and meditation as a way to regulate your emotions. This led me to discovering Taoism, Buddhism, and the schools of thought of Carl Jung and Montaigne. I discovered that many of the questions I had could be answered by these philosophies, including my repeating question of ‘Why can’t I be happy?’. I am aware that depression is a chemical imbalance in my brain, and it runs in my family. However, these ideologies allowed me to understand the negative impacts that I was having on myself, such as substance issues, having negative thoughts, and ruminating on the past. There are two lessons I learned from my ‘research’ that have had the biggest effect on me; maintaining balance and accepting change. To me, maintaining balance means that I know I won’t always be happy, but I also won’t always be depressed. You can’t appreciate the good in life without experiencing the bad, and there is always some positive in life, no matter how bad the situation. Accepting change has helped me cope by allowing me to not focus on what I can’t control, and to be more at ease with what is occurring in my life. I like to think that if I didn’t have depression or my past experiences, I wouldn’t have learned these lessons which help me today. My struggle with depression and anxiety has allowed me to make new insights, but it still does affect my relationships and school quite negatively. I’m aware that relationships are important, and I wouldn’t be here today without them. However, it often just feels too difficult to continue many of the friendships I make. I have always felt like people can tell there is something wrong with me, and I can’t ever really fit in. Regular conversations become an arduous task because I worry about saying something wrong, or that my friends never liked me in the first place, so why bother. One thing I have learned about maintaining friendships at this age is that unfortunately, many people get overwhelmed by mental illnesses or are very depressed themselves, so they don’t know how to help you. It can be hard to find people who don’t judge you, or just don’t know what advice to give. However, when you do find those people that can relate to your struggles, it feels like a weight taken off of your shoulders. I have learned that many of my social anxieties are irrational, and just talking to someone can make things so much better. I feel like I can genuinely have trusting relationships with people now and feel like I have a real connection with people. Opening up and being honest about how I feel has drastically improved my ability to trust people and form genuine connections. The last point I'd like to go over is how mental health has affected my schooling and career plans. As I previously stated, for a long time I had no confidence in going to college. Even now, I’m facing a lot of trouble deciding what I should do. All that I really know right now is that I want to help people, and I want to make a difference. I often worry about if my depression and anxiety will prevent me from getting jobs I’m interested in, but I also know that I need to keep pushing myself to gain new experiences. Last summer, I did an internship with the forest service as a hydrology technician. I was terrified and felt like I would underperform, but I actually had an amazing experience, both in work and with coworkers. This experience made me realize that I value having a community in my work, and I want to have similar experiences in the future. Right now, I’m not entirely sure what I want to do as a career, but I know that after school I would like to do some work in Americorp, Peace Corp, and maybe even wildland firefighting. I’m not sure what I want as a career, but I know that if I stay positive and keep pushing myself, I will find something that is right for me. Thank you for your time, and for listening to my experience. I’m sorry about your mom, I know it is hard to make any light out of a situation like that. Thank you for pushing through and choosing to help other people.