I know I am not special in the sense that everyone has problems in life. I’ve had my fair share of problems. For me, my biggest problem in childhood and as a teenager was being neglected by my parents due to their addictions. As a kid you do not understand much about the world other than what you see and what you are taught. When you are taught that you should stay in your room to avoid being yelled at or ignored, you tend to stay in your room. I spent a lot of my time using my imagination. I always thought if I practice enough one day I will be a famous artist. I had piles and piles of art supplies and different types of paper to expand my artistic abilities. Many people have different hobbies such as collecting baseball cards, Pokémon cards, playing video games, or maybe Philately (the study of postage stamps). Now you may wonder “what does it matter what your hobby is or your special interest?” Well, it matters because you are passionate about something so much that in your free time you chose to spend your time focusing on that specific subject. Is that not powerful? You could do anything else you want in that time but you chose to study the unique aspect of each postage stamp. You find it to be relaxing, soothing, and interesting. Collecting and studying postage stamps may be uninteresting or fulfilling to one but to another it is mesmerizing. Look at Vincent Van Gough, he was not famous for his work during his life. Now, his art is among the most famous art in the world. He did not paint for fame. He painted to feel, to relax, to express himself. Finding a hobby that lights up your eyes when you talk about it is such a joy you cannot describe. What does this have to do with me having childhood issues? You see, my art took me away from my problems. It freed me from my pain. It may not have helped me solve my problems but it definitely protected me from what was going on in my life. This scholarship will not only help me in my journey to better myself and my future but will also allow me to fulfill my dreams of helping others when they need it most. I am going to school to become a Radiologic Technologist. This degree is going to open the door for me to make an impact on each of my patients in big and small ways. This scholarship will allow me to break the cycle in my family of middle school drop outs who never went to college. To some being a Radiology Technologist is not an impactful job but I know that feeling connected to each other is a very strong foundation for all living things.

My question is how being a non-traditional college student has not, impacted my goals and ambitions? When you grow up in a home where neither of your parents finished the eighth grade, you do not realize the importance of education and neither do they. I never thought I would be able to go to college. I never tried in grade school because I did not see any reason. Fast-forward to my Junior year of High school. My school counselor (Mrs. P) pulls me into her office. Eventually the question of my plans after high school comes up… I didn't have any. At this point in my life, I had lost my mother in a motor vehicle accident and lost my father to incarceration. So, I was not thinking too far ahead still. Mrs. P proceeded to tell me about "FAFSA" and that because I was an "unaccompanied" youth, I could go to college! That one conversation changed my outlook on school and my future. I did not even know what a GPA was until that year. I worked so hard to try to improve my GPA for the next two years. I did go to college. However, I still did not know what I was passionate about. I did not have my parents cheering me on. I was lost so after completing a few semesters I took a break to see what I wanted to pursue. Many years passed and before I knew it I was living 563 miles from anyone I knew and the world was going into lockdown. I had four roommates, a part-time job at Walgreens as a Pharmacy tech and I just remember being so unfulfilled. I decided to do something about it, I enrolled in whatever college could get me in as soon as possible. I took just enough loans to cover my tuition. I had five different jobs while in my Limited Medical Radiologic Technology program. I could not find a job that would work with my school schedule. No employer cared that I was working full time for free to earn my internship hours for my program and work for them part time to afford my bills. There were times I decided if I would eat or if I would put gas in my car to attend class…I chose gas. I earned perfect attendance three times. It has been two years since I earned my LMRT license from the Texas Medical State Board. I am ready to do what I set out to do and earn my Radiologic Technologist license and Associate of Applied Sciences. I did this all for me, my future, and my future children. They will know that it is possible and they will have me to cheer them on.

The internet is fake. No not literally but think about it. You can post as whoever or however you want. I feel like the same can be said by playing online with strangers. You could change your voice you can change your name. You can do this in real life too though. So I guess you could say your identity is really a perception of your reality. Whether it be virtual reality or “the real world”. Now, I want you to think about the saying “fake it ‘til you make it” is this not just changing your perspective towards being or doing what ever it is you are trying to achieve? If you are good at faking it to make it, it can be life changing and mind altering. You may say “I will pretend to be confident” then suddenly you start to notice people saying “wow I wish I had your confidence” or “I like your hair did you change it?” When in fact it is not any different. You has shifted your thinking and the way you see the world so you notice parts of your life you may have overlooked before. So what about online gaming or virtual reality? Just like everything in life there are pros and cons. Unless its just bad. Then its just bad. Where im going with this though is, depending on how you practice gaming the con may just be that you are overly confident talking to strangers. Now depending on who you are talking to that may not be a con. To close this I want to say there very well can be issues with learning social norms online verses facial queue’s and body language that you don’t see when staring into a screen for hours at a time. But ultimately I would argue that with most aspects of life you have some downfalls with anything you do. Gaming and online presence may effect how you communicate in the real world but it also may not.

I grew up with dysfunctional parents. The screaming yelling kind. I knew nothing about mental illness as a child so I thought they were normal. My dad drinking beer all day and my mom having mood swings were the usually in my world. My mom told me she was bipolar but I didn’t really know what that meant. Eventually I just associated bipolar with crazy mood swings because one second she was great and the next I was trying to dodge a punch. Abuse isn’t mental illness but mental illness can sometimes lead to abuse. Mental illness can also lead to self harm. My abuse from my mother lead me to self harming myself as a way to try to “deal” with the way I was feeling. Being poor, having buck teeth, wearing. Back brace for my scoliosis caused me to get bullied. My depression only got worse when I became homeless at 14 when my mom finally was arrested after 8 DUI charges. My life long best friend decided to tell me I was no good and no one loved me and I should kill myself. So I said “You know what? You’re right.” I left my aunts house at 11pm. Found a dumpster near the rail road tracks. I figured. “I’m trash. Might as well die where I belong.” I began cutting my wrist with pieces of broken glass. I was slashing and slicing any and all directions. I was so angry. So hurt. Why am I alive. Why can’t I just die. Why? I screamed in pain... but the kind of pain from my soul. I wept harder that I am so much of a coward I cannot take my own life. I eventually went back to my aunts and covered my arms until the wounds healed. No one even knew.. years later I finally found a family to love me and helped me bloom into a better person with better odds at a normal life. For my 18th birthday I got a tattoo of pansies on my shoulder because it was my way of saying “I’m a pansy, I couldn’t kill myself but I had the courage to continue.” My story isn’t over. “;”