On August 17th of 2022, I took an hour train to New York City to meet a man I met on bumble who had an extra ticket for the once-in-a-lifetime magical moment of attending a Joe Hisashi concert. Joe Hisashi is the leading composer for almost all of Studio Ghibli’s films, directed by one of my favorite artists Hayao Miyazaki. I sat in the middle of Radio City Music hall, crying as the colorful animations from these films danced across the screen above the talented orchestra that filled the hall with the symphony of childhood for many of those within the crowd. I was completely overwhelmed and reminded once again why I wanted to work in animation as an artist. In the midst of my parent's divorce, I found a film at the local library titled, “Kiki’s Delivery Service” and soon after watching it I renewed it and watched it over and over again. I soon found more anime and manga to fill my visually inclined brain that doodled pokemon on every piece of paper. I grew up heavily bullied and even with my drawings torn up I knew when I got home I have my anime and cartoons to watch on my parents’ old desktop computer. I always loved animation but it wasn’t until I got to community college for a degree in fine arts that I was told I could seriously work in animation as a 2D-focused artist in the new age of 3D animation. It opened up a world of opportunities for me. I too could take part in this art form that has such a big impact on people, something that has brought me so many friends, an art form that brings people together such as the Joe Hisashi concert I attended. I knew I had to animate moving forward. In 5 years time, I see myself working within an animation production company as an employee working on projects that excite the dreams and imagination of more people just like the work of Hayao Miyazaki and so many other animated shows and movies did for me. I too could take part in this art form that has such a big impact on people, something that has brought me so many friends, an art form that brings people together such as the Joe Hisashi concert I attended. I knew I had to animate moving forward. Nothing motivates me more than imagining a group of friends talking about a show I worked on around the lunch table. I've seen first hand the impact animated media has on people, people like myself .I want to work on projects that end up my t shirts that kids wear and make friends with a small "I love that show!", projects that people attend convetions dressed as, projects people post about online, and more. It is something so powerful in this industry that bring people together and makes people feel better. Just as Miyaki once said, “I would like to make a film to tell children ‘it’s good to be alive.”

For someone majoring in animation, you might not have guessed one of my favorite pieces I have created to be an oil painting on canvas but, here she is. It was almost as if my blood, sweat, and tears were mixed into the paint smeared on a cheap Michael’s canvas. The dream of being an animation student at the School of Visual Arts lingers within its presence. I have previously submitted my application for the competitive major and was devastatingly rejected, although offered a position in their comics department. Not completely satisfied I agreed, as if some higher power knew I did not belong in that program, leading to my financial aid being dropped last minute due to tax errors. I asked to defer my acceptance but insisted I be reconsidered once again for a spot in the major. After submitting more pieces I was told once again to submit more with requests, one being a recent observational piece. So, I observed. I dragged my French plein air easel down to the living room and scouted the area. In the corner sat an empty chair. I knew of the composition I wanted. I ran upstairs for the perfect-sized model whom I found gathering dust on a shelf in my sister’s room. A large, pastel-pink, stuffed rabbit. A recreation of a stuffed animal carried around by an anime character. I propped him up in the wooden chair, taking up just the right about of space. I proceeded to get to work. Hunched over a bar stool, my back ached, and my eyes strained as I whipped my head back and forth between my canvas and my subject. A lot of people see art and they think of the process as a calm beautiful moment, aesthetically pleasing even. When it is chaos in reality you would have found me curled up with a ripped hoodie, the cord to the heating pad handing under my clothes from stuffing it under my shirt, and energy drink cans scattered about. Knowing the pain behind the process just makes me love the outcome even more. “I Don’t Want to Be 23 Anymore” is what I decided to title this piece. There’s a lot of symbolism within the composition and the subject. As a woman society puts pressure on us to feel old as we age, I find myself crippled with anxiety with each passing month fearing how I will be seen by the number attached to my age. But as a non-traditional student who had to put my education on pause as well, I feel as if I am in limbo between adult and teenager as I enter freshman year at the age of 24 when other peers my age are starting off their careers. The juxtaposition of the bright pink stuffed bunny conveys the child I feel inside a perceived adult body. The empty space around the bunny within the chair projects the emptiness I feel, how small my inner child is within me. Though soon my inner child’s dream of going to New York City will come true, I will soon get to work on animations like the ones we watched in our childhood.

I think back to my training days as a caricature artist at a children’s theme park, watching the demonstration of a master at work. My manager whom I have stolen many a style or trick took the permanent market to sheets of fresh white paper as my eyes followed each black stroke. With just some varying lines, some color, she made the person in front of me on her paper, even more…them. It brought me back to watching the behind-the-scenes of Bambi or Lion King with wide eyes, seeing them bring live animals into the studio and making them appear on paper, but as something new, cartoons. It was and still is a skill that works like magic to me, it was intelligence, grace, and true creativity to be able to take something from our mundane world and give it new life in innovative ways with just a marker. There are varying opinions on art and creativity from all walks of life, one that sticks with me is by Aristotle, “The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance.” As artists who work in cartoons often, but not always, the goal is to simplify our world. This takes breaking down our world into its most essential parts. What first catches your eye about a person? Is it their hooked nose? Perhaps their large eyes? And what makes a dog, look like a dog? When we break down something into its most memorable parts we can get that “aha” moment, when people know what we are showing them, like a game of charades. This is how the smiley face works so well, it is merely two dots and a curved line but everyone sees a happy face. Creativity is not only knowing how to simplify but how to stylize. It is the difference between the classic Disney style and the aesthetic of just one of many anime. Once someone can break down our world there is a million and one more ways they can make it their own. Stretching and pulling shapes, playing with their colors, and expanding other possibilities gives your own look to the world you want to make. It can make something familiar or something not, convey an idea better or make you feel something. These choices are exciting to me, they are brilliance and creativity in their best forms. I have always been the art kid, the “creative” kid my whole life. I would express it one way or another, if it weren’t through my art, it was through my haircut, my clothing choices, online posts, music taste, you name it. Now I want to take that a step further, making it my study in college and my future career. Throughout high school, I was in any and every art class and extracurricular I could get my paint cover hands on. Including my job as a caricature artist while I studied fine arts at community college. Creativity and self-expression are one of the driving forces of my life. This led to my passion for drawing, character design, storyboarding, and animation. Transforming the 3D world into the 2D world takes a great deal of creativity and that is what I so dearly love about it. I want to be able to create that magic myself.

In the spring I lost my grandmother to cancer. My grandmother meant a great deal to me in my childhood. My mother was abusive and my father and my sister and I would go to live with her throughout my childhood on and off. My grandmother was like the mother figure I didn't have. She was caring and nurturing. She wanted to know how my day was and always made she I had something to eat. My grandmother was the most excited and supportive of me going vegan. And she always encouraged my artistic talents. She would let me bring my tub of crayons into every room to color. She had also let me turn the upstairs bedroom into a small studio for a student art show at a local museum. She of course proudly showed up to see. I went to community college for a fine arts degree while unfortunately living with my mother. Things were hard, I had to take 5 classes and work two part-time jobs without a computer or a car. Every year was a battle to get my mother to fill out her part of the FAFSA and submit her taxes, but I never gave up. The goal of going off to art school was all that was and still is on my mind. Luckily I had the encouragement of my father and grandmother in high school and in community college to help keep me going toward my goal to pursue art. Everyone had a hard time being away from loved ones during the pandemic. A well as many of us have had careers and education being set back during that time frame. Like myself of was in the midst of trying to transfer from my community college to an art school. My grandmother battled leukemia and was over 80, no one could visit her for over 2 years. When we finally got to see her, of course, she only was concerned about whether I got something vegan to eat at the restaurant. But I was excited to share I was applying again to art colleges. Shortly after my grandmother suddenly passed away, dealing with her loss was difficult. I lost my job. And gave up applying to schools for a short while. But I ended up being accepted into my top school, the School of Visual Arts in Manhattan for their BFA in Comics, with the goal of a career in the animation industry. It was hard but I had to push myself to make it work with no money and my situation with my mother. I ended up moving to another city for another summer job as a caricature artist, working 11 hours a day outside to try and save money for college. But it all came crumbling down when my school's financial aid office came back to me. My mother purposely reported something wrong on her taxes, disqualifying me from federal until it was fixed. With some more begging and pleading, and some bribing I was able to get it done. But too late, with no federal aid and no cosigner for loans I was forced to defer my acceptance til to following year. Right now I am still fighting, and I will keep fighting. I am applying to many as many scholarships as I can to try and kelp, I poor all my money into trying to improve my credit score, and I am working on a portfolio to resubmit for even more scholarships, but it has been hard living with my unstable mother who lashes out and is abusive. I fear I may be homeless in the near future if I am not able to secure going to school with housing. But I remember I want to do right by my grandmother and I won't give up, I will continue to fight for my dreams, to get away from my mother, and for a better life.