As I walked down my middle school hallway, with my pants so baggy they were dragging on the ground and my xl hoodie going down to my knees, I kept my head down.
While some may see skinny as a dream— it was my complete nightmare.
I kept my head down because every day I would walk into school and have boys and girls taunt me for how underweight I was.
I struggled every day. I was embarrassed to stand up in front of the class and go to the bathroom, boys would call my name then point to the wall (implying I'm flat), and people would ask me if I ate. It was a never-ending cycle and a constant reminder of my body, and how uncomfortable I was in it.
I would be made fun of for my stick legs, my limp hair, and my lack of development (like.. What girl is fully developed in 7th grade?!). What those students didn't realize was the lifelong anxiety, depression, and body dysmorphia that came along with their words– and I am still struggling to this day.
I feel as if this aspect of body shaming is not talked about enough, hence why I am bringing it up in this application. Being a victim of bullying and constant body shaming strips everything from you. I would cry for hours to my parents begging them to homeschool me. But, they never gave in. Eventually, I did end up moving schools because my dad's job transferred him. A huge blanket of fear and anxiety covered me as I remember everything that was said about and to me concerning my weight. I was worried I would live it all over again, and I would be once again caught up in this never-ending cycle.
I began to eat. Eat so much, all day, every day. I got so caught up with trying to end the bullying so badly, that people were astonished by how much I ate. Eventually, as I looked down at the scale, the food caught up with me. And surprisingly, I was happy. The worries of people judging my body suddenly vanished.
Until, after 2 years of barely looking in the mirror at my body, I did. I was taken aback. My 00 petite shorts no longer fit and everything on my body was so much bigger. I will never forget that feeling of being so disgusted with myself. I have absolutely no pictures of my body throughout these bullying years, because of how much I hated myself. When COVID hit, my depression worsened. I was stuck in this vicious cycle of not eating, losing a ton of weight, binge eating to gain it back, gaining a ton of weight, having no sleep, hating myself, not knowing what my real body looks like, repeat.
I would be lying if I said I am fully recovered from this time in my life. While I still struggle at times, I am much better off.
This tragic event in my life that occurred at such a young age has allowed me to realize the standards teen girls are expected to live up to– when in reality they are simply fictional.
Through this experience, I explored my love for volunteering (focusing on women and children) and being a young woman with a voice. I started a shoe collection for women, children, and veterans all over the United States and Nigeria. I helped an older nun at my church every Sunday with random tasks after religious education. I wrote valentines to the children at St. Jude's to give them a little pick me up, because I know what its like to be struggling with self-image. I became the NHS president to organize even more charity events and listen to the members of the NHS.
Through volunteering, I learned my passion for helping others– which is why I want to pursue a career in nursing. I joined a CTE program at a local community college for health sciences. I learned to not only care for patients, but communicate and recognize signs of abuse, mental illness, and neglect. I will use everything in my power as a nurse and recognize negative signs of mental health and report it immediately. I know to not invalidate patients' feelings, but feel compassion and understanding towards them and their struggles because— I personally have been there.
I strive to use my weaknesses thrown at me during my time being bullied and combine them with my strengths. I understand the insecurity, constant pressure, and hopelessness that comes with being a young woman these years. I hope to use my knowledge and experience of mental health to become the best nurse I can be, and not only identify, but help these patients who may seem totally fine because I was once that “totally fine” person wore a smile just for show. In college, I hope to pursue spreading mental health awareness by starting or joining a mental health club. By checking in on my friends and doing simple acts of kindness, I can change someone's life immensely. I aspire to be the person who is the light in the darkness, alleviates fear in desperate times, and is a comfort for those struggling.