As far back as I can remember, way into my adolescence, I remember my dad being addicted to heroin and I remember knowing when he was high and when he was in rehab trying to get clean. I remember the times that he would disappear for weeks on a binge and we were always worried sick but somehow he always showed up as if nothing happened. From that very young age, I told myself that I wasn't going to be like him, that I was never going to put my future kids through what he put me and my family through but you know how they say, "Never say never." Well, they're right. In 2016, at the age of 25, I was doing the one thing that I said I would never do. I was putting my family through the heartache of having their loved one struggle with addiction. At that time, my daughter was 7 and was an only child. I found myself taking pills here and there for "fun" and then I found myself taking more and more everyday and before I knew it, I found myself NEEDING those pills to function. This went on for 3 very long years until one day in 2019, I knew that if I didn't check myself into rehab that very night, I was going to end up in jail or dead. I remember the look on my mom's face when I told her that I needed to check myself into rehab because I was addicted to opioids. She told me that she knew because I lost my glow and became someone who she could barely recognize. March 20th, 2019 is a day that I will never forget. The day that I finally took back the reigns and got control over my life again. Since getting sober, I have raised my daughter into the most amazing young woman on my own, I have had a beautiful baby boy, I have moved into my own apartment, I have bought a brand new car, and I have started working at an all women's substance abuse and mental health rehab to help others who are struggling the same way I did. If I told you that my life has been perfect since getting sober, I would be lying. I have had many struggles since that day and I have had many times where I felt strong urges and cravings but I have made a promise to myself, my children, my mother and my higher power that I will remain clean, no matter what. It is my dream to be a substance abuse counselor and to help teach others how to over come addiction and to learn how to cope with life in a healthy way. I want to help teach others that you don't have to turn to drugs to feel better and that there are many ways to free themselves from the chokehold of drugs. For over 20 years my dad struggled with addiction and for 3 very long years so did I. A big help towards me getting sober was the people in the rehab who helped me at my lowest. I want to be someone who those fresh in recovery can lean on when they feel like giving up. I want to be someone who a person with 10 years under their belt can call because they need someone to help them out of another dark place. I want to be that person who I wish my dad had, because maybe, just maybe, he would have stayed sober and survived his addiction.

When they say that addiction is a monster, they weren't lying. Addiction is one of the scariest monsters that I've ever had to face and I've faced a lot of scary things in my life. As far back as I can remember, way into my adolescence, I remember my dad being addicted to heroin and I remember knowing when he was high and when he was in rehab trying to get clean. I remember the times that he would disappear for weeks on a binge and we were always worried sick but somehow he always showed up as if nothing happened. From that very young age, I told myself that I wasn't going to be like him, that I was never going to put my future kids through what he put me and my family through but you know how they say, "Never say never." Well, they're right. In 2016, at the age of 25, I was doing the one thing that I said I would never do. I was putting my family through the heartache of having their loved one struggle with addiction. At that time, my daughter was 7 and was an only child. I found myself taking pills here and there for "fun" and then I found myself taking more and more everyday and before I knew it, I found myself NEEDING those pills to function. This went on for 3 very long years until one day in 2019, I knew that if I didn't check myself into rehab that very night, I was going to end up in jail or dead. I remember the look on my mom's face when I told her that I needed to check myself into rehab because I was addicted to opioids. She told me that she knew because I lost my glow and became someone who she could barely recognize. March 20th, 2019 is a day that I will never forget. The day that I finally took back the reigns and got control over my life again. Since getting sober, I have raised my daughter into the most amazing young woman on my own, I have had a beautiful baby boy, I have moved into my own apartment, I have bought a brand new car, and I have started working at an all women's substance abuse and mental health rehab to help others who are struggling the same way I did. If I told you that my life has been perfect since getting sober, I would be lying. I have had many struggles since that day and I have had many times where I felt strong urges and cravings but I have made a promise to myself, my children, my mother and my higher power that I will remain clean, no matter what this life has to throw at me. Continuing my education after becoming sober has become challenging because I was enrolled in school when I went into rehab, causing me to fail those classes and making it almost impossible to be readmitted into the same college. Since then, I have enrolled into a different school but have been struggling to pay for tuition since I'm the only parent and financial provider for my two children. It is my dream to be a substance abuse counselor and to help teach others how to over come addiction and to learn how to cope with life in a healthy way. I want to help teach others that you don't have to turn to drugs to feel better and that there are many ways to free themselves from the chokehold of drugs.

Recovery can mean a lot of things to many people, it all depends on who you ask. For some it means that they are simply clean again, for others it may mean that they are alive. For me, recovery means that I get to be a present mom and daughter again. When I was in active addiction, I only had my daughter and there were many times where I was with her physically, but mentally I was somewhere else. I have very hazy memories from those 3 years that I was using and although my daughter and mother never noticed what was going on, I knew that what I was doing wasn't okay. I grew up watching my dad throw his life away to addiction and I always told myself that I would never pick up what he did. But that was a lie. I became the one thing that I said I wouldn't but also became the one thing that he couldn't....sober. Now I have a second child and I get to be a mom who is present in all aspects of the word. I get to wake up in the morning and remember what the day before was like. I get to look at my moms face and no longer see a face of disappointment. Instead, I have 3 lovely faces that look at me and beam with pride, because I finally gave them a reason to be proud. I finally took back my life.

In 2012, when I was 22 years old, I found myself in a hospital psych ward on a 72 hour hold because I was having very intrusive thoughts of suicide. The days leading up to that moment were very dark and lonely and for a very long time, I thought I was alone. On the 3rd day, the psychiatrist asked me if I was feeling better. I knew I wasn’t but I knew that I wanted to go home and feel depressed in my own bed. So I told him yes, I was doing okay, the thoughts had subsided… for now. That was enough to be discharged and I remember the look on my moms face when she came to pick me up. It wasn’t a look of disappointment or shame. It was a look of sadness with a hint of fear. Fear that she couldn’t leave me at home by myself and sadness because she didn’t know that I was battling this monster in my head. When my close friends found out that I was in the hospital for suicidal thoughts, everything changed. They started to treat me like I was a fragile person who would break at any moment and they may have thought that treating me that way was helpful but it really wasn’t. It showed me that they had no idea what it was like to live with these thoughts every single day. When I said that I felt alone it’s because for a long time, I thought that there weren’t many people who knew what it was like to want to die every day. I knew I wasn’t okay but I didn’t know how to fix it. I knew that I needed to fix it though because I had a 2 year old daughter who didn’t have a father and I didn’t want her to be without a mother too. That’s when I decided to change the people in my circle and find others who knew what it was like to struggle with mental health issues. I found people who knew how to be supportive and who knew when to listen and when to give advice. Continuing my education and finding a career was another battle because everyday for years I beat myself up and talked down to myself. I told myself that I was never going to get anywhere in life and that I was never going to be someone who my family would be proud of. For awhile, I was right. I fell into addiction in 2016 for almost 3 years because it was, what I thought to be, the only thing that silenced all the thoughts. In 2019 I was finally tired of relying on something artificial to make me feel “good” and I checked myself into a substance abuse/mental health rehab and that is when my life took off. Those friends, that I mentioned before, they helped me get back on my feet and they helped me find myself again. I was connected to a good therapist who was once in my shoes and that’s when I knew that I wanted to be a therapist in a substance abuse/mental health rehab. I knew that I wanted to help people who struggle the way that I did for so long. Mental health and addiction can go hand in hand for many people and for me, that was the case. The intrusive thoughts took over and they led me to do something that I thought I would never do. That is why I want to help people get to a better place before they find themselves at rock bottom. I want to help those at rock bottom too, when they don’t know which way to go from there. A short while after getting out of rehab, I found an amazing job at an all women's substance abuse and mental health rehabilitation as an administrative assistant. Here I am able to help woman who are facing the same struggles that I once had to face. Everyday I remember what it was like to be where there are and I make sure that I keep that empathy in my heart. I remember how lonely it was in that hospital room in 2012 and how the doctor believed that I was okay, when I really wasn’t. I remember how easy it was to fake a smile when deep down, I was in so much pain. These experiences help me to be a better person to these women because they are all in a broken place and all they need is some TLC. I don’t wake up dreading to go to work because I honestly love what I do and I love that I get to be someone who helps them in one of their darkest times. Dealing with mental health has helped me find a passion for helping others, has helped me build strong relationships with my family and friends and has helped me see that there are so many people who are dealing with things that we have no idea about. Not everyone is able to say that their mental health issues have brought them solid friendships and a passionate love for life and I realize that I am very lucky to be able to say that. That is why I strive so hard to continue with my education so I can be an advocate for those are feeling alone and hopeless. Those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness are some of the worst feelings anyone can have and there are so many who are around us that are silently struggling. This is why I always say, just because you cant see it with your eyes, doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Just because someone doesn’t show physical symptoms of an illness, doesn’t mean they aren’t battling one. For now, I will always treat others with kindness because sometimes all it takes is a simple smile from a stranger to help someone feel less alone.

When most people think of a leader, they think of someone in a position of power. When I think of a leader, I think of someone who is a positive influence on others. To be a good leader, you have to be someone who inspires and motivates others and I believe that many people can say that I have been that. I work as an administrative assistant at an all women’s substance abuse and mental health rehab. My role there is mainly administrative work for the psychiatrist but I know that I do so much more than that. There was once a time that I was in the same place that many of those women are and I was lost and hopeless. This is why I take my time to get to know each and every woman that walks through those doors. I take my time to talk to them, share my story, and encourage them. For them, their days can seem to blend together because they’re doing the same routine day in and day out but that is why I try to give them that hope that things do get better. On my free time and days off, I go in and hold groups with the women or have one on one time with them. During this time with them, I get them to open up a little more, I get them to dig a little deeper. I try to help them find their passion for life again. A lot of them are moms, just like me, who have their kids with someone else and are beating themselves up for leaving them. I remind them that this is only temporary and they are working on becoming a better mom for them. I remind them that it is okay to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them. We are only human, it is impossible to be perfect. I lead these women by example. I never try to act like I am better than anyone because I know that just a few years back, I was sitting in those same chairs beating myself up too. I always tell them that no matter how far down we fall, we can always get up and make things right. This is me being an active leader in my community. There are many women who have come back to visit and have told me that they have pushed so hard to keep going because I gave them hope and because I showed them that there is a beautiful life after addiction. I have shown them that our addiction and our struggles do not define us.

In 2012, when I was 22 years old, I found myself in a hospital psych ward on a 72 hour hold because I was having very intrusive thoughts of suicide. The days leading up to that moment were very dark and lonely and for a very long time, I thought I was alone. On the 3rd day, the psychiatrist asked me if I was feeling better. I knew I wasn’t but I knew that I wanted to go home and feel depressed in my own bed. So I told him yes, I was doing okay, the thoughts had subsided… for now. That was enough to be discharged and I remember the look on my moms face when she came to pick me up. It wasn’t a look of disappointment or shame. It was a look of sadness with a hint of fear. Fear that she couldn’t leave me at home by myself and sadness because she didn’t know that I was battling this monster in my head. When my close friends found out that I was in the hospital for suicidal thoughts, everything changed. They started to treat me like I was a fragile person who would break at any moment and they may have thought that treating me that way was helpful but it really wasn’t. It showed me that they had no idea what it was like to live with these thoughts every single day. When I said that I felt alone it’s because for a long time, I thought that there weren’t many people who knew what it was like to want to die every day. I knew I wasn’t okay but I didn’t know how to fix it. I knew that I needed to fix it though because I had a 2 year old daughter who didn’t have a father and I didn’t want her to be without a mother too. That’s when I decided to change the people in my circle and find others who knew what it was like to struggle with mental health issues. I found people who knew how to be supportive and who knew when to listen and when to give advice. Continuing my education and finding a career was another battle because everyday for years I beat myself up and talked down to myself. I told myself that I was never going to get anywhere in life and that I was never going to be someone who my family would be proud of. For awhile, I was right. I fell into addiction in 2016 for almost 3 years because it was, what I thought to be, the only thing that silenced all the thoughts. In 2019 I was finally tired of relying on something artificial to make me feel “good” and I checked myself into a substance abuse/mental health rehab and that is when my life took off. Those friends, that I mentioned before, they helped me get back on my feet and they helped me find myself again. I was connected to a good therapist who was once in my shoes and that’s when I knew that I wanted to be a therapist in a substance abuse/mental health rehab. I knew that I wanted to help people who struggle the way that I did for so long. Mental health and addiction can go hand in hand for many people and for me, that was the case. The intrusive thoughts took over and they led me to do something that I thought I would never do. Feeling alone in those thoughts wasn’t helping either. That is why I am working so hard to become a fighting voice for those who are feeling alone, for those who are dealing with those thoughts in their head and not knowing what to do next. I want to help people get to a better place before they find themselves at rock bottom. I want to help those at rock bottom too, when they don’t know which way to go from there. Dealing with mental health has helped me find a passion for helping others, has helped me build strong relationships with my family and friends and has helped me see that there are so many people who are dealing with things that we have no idea about. Not everyone is able to say that their mental health issues have brought them solid friendships and a passionate love for life and I realize that I am very lucky to be able to say that. That is why I strive so hard to continue with my education so I can be an advocate for those are feeling alone and hopeless. Those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness are some of the worst feelings anyone can have and there are so many who are around us that are silently struggling. This is why I always say, just because you cant see it with your eyes, doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Just because someone doesn’t show physical symptoms of an illness, doesn’t mean they aren’t battling one. For now, I will always treat others with kindness because sometimes all it takes is a simple smile from a stranger to help someone feel less alone.

My dream future is me working as an addictions counselor in a substance abuse and mental health rehabilitation. Working with men and women who have co-occurring disorders and helping them better themselves. One thing that stands in the way of building my dream future is myself. I often lie to myself and say that I am not going to amount to anything in life and that I will never finish school. I know these are lies because I look at how far Ive come already and how much I have accomplished and I see that I have been successful. One way that I am already fixing this is by seeing a therapist once a week to help with my mental health. I believe that mental health is very important and that EVERYONE should see a therapist. I don think you need to wait until you hit rock bottom or are in a dark place to seek therapy. It is important to have someone to talk to about the thoughts that go on in your head. It is important to know that you aren’t alone with your feelings and that what you may think isn’t normal, in fact is. My therapist is helping me with my confidence and my self esteem and helping me see that I don’t need to have expensive materialistic things to be considered successful. I have so many other aspects in life to be grateful for and that bring me so much wealth and that alone, is success.