I find it intriguing how so many teenagers, including me, go through so much internally and it feels as if no one will ever understand how you feel. You have a hurricane of thoughts, swirling around at 1 million miles an hour, wondering if they will ever go away. I know at least half of the people reading this will understand what I'm talking about. I don't exactly remember when it all started, but I'd say around 6th grade. Up until then, I had always gotten straight A's, as I progressed through middle school, I turned from a straight A, perfect-score student, to a depressed, average-grade tween. My intelligence had not changed. I wasn't dumb, I knew that. But I was falling behind "What's happening?" I thought. It's not that I wasn't smart, but procrastination and motivation were a problem. Everything was starting to spiral out of control. Then, they came. The thoughts. At just 11 or 12 years old, I felt like I was mentally insane. I learned later that they had a name: "intrusive thoughts". If you don't know, it is when you experience unwanted thoughts that do not stop. They are involuntary and often distressing and disturbing to the individual. Research it! But oh boy, I felt tormented. I felt shame and I hated myself for thinking such awful things that I would never do. I felt scared of myself. I felt hopeless. I prayed to god to make them stop. "No, I can't tell my parents", I thought. "They will hate me. They won't love me anymore. They will send me somewhere for the awful things my mind keeps coming up with." I would often think about things that 11-year-olds usually don't think about, like "what comes after death" or "what's beyond earth" or "who created god". A big question that often plagued my mind was "Will I go to heaven? If I go to heaven, the bible says I will be there forever". In the same place, forever? Wow! My mind couldn't handle that and I would lie in my bed crying at night about it. I was fully convinced I was an awful, unforgivable person and I just wanted it to end. I was unusually tired and had a loss of appetite. I was trapped. My safe space was my room, where I could be alone and attempt to have some control. One day, I looked up something on my school-managed chrome-book. It was on the topic of ending my own life, but I knew I would never go that route. Ever! To this day, I still don't have an exact explanation for why I looked it up. They flagged the search and called my parents. Long story short, I got a counselor and told my parents pieces and parts of what I was experiencing. It took a very long time for me to tell them a full story because I was so afraid. However... It's not over. Everything that I was experiencing was indeed a sign of something, which took us even longer to figure out. I realize now that what I was experiencing was some sort of true depression. They didn't take me to the doctor at first, because they thought it was a phase. After the intrusive depressive stage, the procrastination and lack of following through did not stop. We finally went to the doctor a couple of months ago to see what could be the case, and she told me and I quote "It seems like it's a mix of both", referring to ADHD and Anxiety. "Just great." I thought. I get the Anxiety part from my mom, and my dad has ADHD tendencies, and inferring from what's been happening since 2017, it all makes perfect sense now. When I found out from the doctor that it wasn't just me, a spark of hope ignited that maybe I could still be that straight-A student again. That maybe there was hope for me to save my future. Currently, I'm in the process of finding a medication that works. The thoughts definitely impacted my outlook on life and God. It greatly developed my sense of open-mindedness and self-awareness for myself and other people. I started to accept that I am not supposed to know the answers to the burning questions that used to plague my mind. In regards to the God part, I don't quite know what to think. A part of me still has these anxious, stressful questions that I want to know the answer to, but the realistic, slightly matured part knows that all I can do is accept that I will never know, so I shouldn't waste my time on them. As I grew older, the thoughts started slowing down. It took a very long time, but eventually I came to a realization. I learned that thoughts don't make you who you are. Thinking about something doesn't make you who you are. It doesn't make you a bad person. It took me 3 or 4 years to understand that. I feel at ease knowing that everything I was going through was normal. I feel.. safe with myself now. I can thank my parents for this as well. Even though they didn't know what I was going through at the time, my relationship with them is stronger than ever now. They helped me, and they still do. I feel like I can talk to them about anything. So, in conclusion, my experience with mental health has helped me to learn. I'm still learning. It's helped me to realize things about myself, good and bad. It's helped me to help other people too! I find myself with strong empathetic skills, and I've learned that sometimes, the only thing a person needs is for someone to listen.

Dear reader: You may have heard this show come up at least once. I'm here to convince you that Netflix's "Komi Can't Communicate" is one of the best shows on Netflix! Usually, I am not one to watch any sort of anime show because I was never that interested in the style, but this show changed everything. It starts off with a girl, whose name is Komi. She has severe social anxiety, or sociophobia. Her goal? To make 100 friends. When she starts high school, she meets a guy named Tadano, who is just "the average Joe" and is usually overlooked by his peers. However, he is extremely good at reading people as well as their emotions, and when Komi arrives at his school, he is able to make the inference that she is socially anxious, and he offers to help her make 100 friends. He becomes her first friend! This show follows her on her journey through high school. I almost forgot to mention the characters. I had no words for how interesting they were conveyed to the audience. Each character in the show is unique, not to mention relatable! They really help build the story and they make this show very comedic as well. There's a lot of entertainment and humor that comes with this show! To whoever is reading this, this show will make you crack a smile at least once. In addition to this excellent storyline, "Komi Can't Communicate" has beautiful scenery! The style is magnificent and gives the watcher a comforting aesthetic. This show greatly accentuates the changing of the seasons! The colors are very vibrant and calming. The show is full of little details that really fulfill your watching experience. The environment that is presented does not disappoint and emphasizes the mood of the storyline. Oh! As I'm writing this, I just remembered another reason this show is so great! The music! It's unlike anything I've ever heard for any sort of show! It's very original and fits the storyline and scenery perfectly. It's composed of lots of nice piano songs and the episodes always end off with a satisfying tune that sometimes includes vocals. In all honesty, the music is very relaxing, uplifting, and may even give you some sort of nostalgia. It fits the show perfectly! That's all I have to say. Even if you aren't one to watch anime, give this one a chance! Go watch it!!

High school Life The moment I realized High school wasn’t as bad As stereotypes called it. Fears included: Thirsty senior boys going for freshman girls Wrong! (it was a rumor) So much work your life is a waking nightmare Wrong! Being made fun of by the “popular group” Wrong! There isn’t even a “popular group” High school is honestly a vibe. The teachers in middle school… They had you all worked up for nothing Saying: “In high school, they show you no mercy” “In high school, they take no late work, so all of you are in trouble” “In high school, they give you so much work you’ll have less and less free time” I mean… if I’m being truly honest, middle school was harder. I don’t know why. It just was. Where you belong In high school, you can find your place I’ve already found mine. I came to high school with a clear mind “I want to try something new,” I said I made it my new years resolution for 2021 That was the first resolution I’ve ever stuck to. The New I joined the marching band. What a wonderful choice Life-changing, even. The New: Part 2 New people A new experience Something I never thought was possible “This is what I want to do” (This sentence is not part of the poem. This poem chunk is just a sliver of my entire work called "What it's really like". It's basically an ongoing poem-book-type deal (on a google doc) where I continuously write in it anytime I feel strong emotions about anything in my life. I guess you could call it a diary in poem form. It will just keep going until one day I don't feel like writing anymore.)