This is a story of not only how I showed up for another but how in return, they showed up for me. For as long as I could remember, others would say I had the ‘gift of charity.’ Loving and desiring to give to all those around me was innately placed inside of me at conception.  Being able to be used as a light in the life of others during times of need, uncertainty, or vulnerability continuously left me feeling unfulfilled. The continual trauma and abuse that I experienced throughout my early childhood leading to adulthood negatively impacted my gifting - resulting in more profound and more complex/compound trauma and eventually PTSD. I subconsciously retracted and lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety.  Like a turtle, I hid - I only came out when I felt safe. This gift that brought so much hope and joy to others lay dormant in me. This all changed when I was blessed and divinely connected with a dear friend of mine - Mahoganie. She was God-sent. She came during the lowest time of my life and a challenging time for her, unbeknownst to me. Mahagonie felt pulled to help many families in need during difficult times. Desiring and needing to move, she opened her arms when I needed them most - I was finally escaping and moving into my own home, a safe place for my kids and me. After leaving a highly abusive marriage, was a breath of fresh air. It presented a new set of challenges - the first was the task of independently mothering three children under nine years old and one with special needs. Fortunately, Mahagonie was well experienced with children from all backgrounds, from her teenage years and on, and professionally for ten years. The first time we came together, it was clear we were long-lost sisters, and my kids immediately adored her. This was the bond where we realized how important community was for us. Community is essential to all. Without community, people often feel defeated. Alone, you can experience higher levels of depression, leading to hopelessness. Community empowers you. Community allows you to meet one another where you are and lend helping hands. About a year later, I was blessed to meet another sweet soul named Namarah. Namarah, originally from the east coast, had just taken a leap of faith and courage to come to California to pursue her dreams, create, and network. She was just offered a fantastic job position, and she eagerly accepted with an inner knowing that it was the right time to step out. After a series of unexpected changes, shifts, and repositioning, this offer changed, and Namarah was left in a place of uncertainty. She had two choices: go back home, or continue out in her walk of courage and faith. Driven, gifted, and resilient, Namarah was able to find her footing but still struggled to maintain stable housing due to inconsistent and fluctuating income from her business and entrepreneurship endeavors. I was introduced to Namarah and asked if she could stay for about a month. After about three days, it was evident that this too was divinely set up. As I extended my arm to Namarah, she simultaneously extended hers back. She became my creative coach and allowed me the opportunity to premiere in her Docu-Soul video.  Honored, I faced my fears and allowed her to write a story of me coming into myself after brokenness. This video completely shifted the way that I saw myself. A filtered lens became clear and full of light. 

My battle with depression and anxiety all started in 2014, with the loss of my foster sister, who was also my best friend, due to suicide. Devastated, being that I had just lost my son’s Godmother 8 months prior also due to suicide. I had to use what I know now is called avoidance behaviors to cope with the unexpected loss. This was when the familiar feeling of powerlessness consumed my thoughts and actions. In 2015 my 16-month-old son was suspected to be an early autism dx. This non-formal diagnosis led to an explosion of behaviors that my son could not control. Call after call from childcare left me with no choice but to stop working and entirely focus on getting my son the needed care. At this point, my depression, anxiety, and self-esteem spiraled downwards. I felt alone being that I knew no one else who had children with special needs, especially at my young age. Embarrassed at my sons’ development, I choose to be alone. I didn’t want the anticipated judgment or eyes of others. Going from pursuing my dreams, working at a high-paying job, and pursuing school, I believed my life would never be the same. Autism and all of its complexities were a foreign language to me. Determined to help my son and advocate for him, I parted ways with all of my aspirations and did food delivery at night while uncles and aunts would come over to watch the kids as they slept as a means of income. My son, despite early intervention, received his autism diagnosis at three years old. I then was able to apply for aid to help financially stabilize me while I was constrained from the ability to work. This allowed me the mental and financial relief to go back to school to pursue my education and career to better provide for my children. As a current Mass communications major at the University of Phoenix student, My story is one of resilience, perseverance, endurance, and hope. Although we can not predict many outcomes, we can choose to move forward despite all hindrances to our destiny.

Beginning in 2019-2021, I experienced a level of hopelessness, depression, and suicidal ideation that I genuinely believed was impossible to overcome. At the time, I had just given birth to my youngest daughter Jade. The delivery had many complications following a skin disease that I contracted. My middle child’s behavior started to peak at a level I had never seen before due to his autism diagnosis. I found myself seeking help from a psychiatrist and a therapist. I was placed on medication and still despaired life itself. If it were not for having a newborn, I genuinely believe I would’ve succumbed to the suicidal ideation and taken my life. My husband then (ex-husband now) had left, and here I was raising three children under ten years of age alone. With little to no nearby family, I was in deep darkness. My closest friend, very concerned, came to move in with me. I received the help I desperately needed to get me to a stable place by my daughter’s first birthday. I left the abusive relationship two months after her first birthday. This was a choice that left us homeless. I soon sought the much-needed help and resources I needed. I received a scholarship while staying in a hotel that provided housing for my children and me. This was a huge breakthrough and the fresh start I desperately needed for a turnaround. I was able to get myself and my eldest daughter into therapy. I was able to go back to school in pursuit of my bachelor’s degree. I used this alone time to get closer to God and seek who I was in self-discovery. Now I am in a place I never thought was possible. I thank God for the change I was empowered to make for my family.