i. I lied about being better Because I miss who I was When I first met her I regret what I did Because I miss who I was When I was a kid It’s been so long Since I’ve seen the green on my wall It’s been too long My window was left open through it all And I can’t stop thinking about you I couldn’t stand that you didn’t need me too This isn’t about you, though I showed otherwise This isn’t about you, you can’t say who dies There are many things left to do But for now I’ll let the sun rise ii. I lied about not caring Because I miss who I was When I wasn’t oversharing I regret not saying Because I miss who I was When I thought you were staying It’s been so long Your photos on my fucked up wall It’s been too long I think I love you after all And I can’t stop thinking about you I couldn’t stand that you didn’t need me too This isn’t about you, though I showed otherwise This isn’t about you, you can’t say who dies There are many things left to do But for now I’ll let the sun rise

I can’t remember a time where I didn’t sing. I’m not one for destiny, but I knew I was meant to sing and make music to share with the world. I remember being four years old as I looked out my window and saw my future before me: American River College, right across the street. I remember trying to hold printer paper in my hands and sneak out the door so I could go to college with my father. He was going to college part-time and trying to support our family after a short period of homelessness that took years to recover from. My siblings and I have always been bullied for our “ratty” hair, dirty shoes, and second-hand clothing. I wore only my older brothers’ shirts and pants until I was 10. Back when people had to pay for lunch at school, we all had food vouchers that let us get meals for free. In high school, a teacher actually told me to go to another school if affording equipment was too difficult! There were times where my lack of money got in the way of life-changing opportunities. I have worked very hard on my music, and I went to All-State Honor Choir for three years in a row! Not only did those take scholarships I had to apply for, but I was also invited to sing at the Sydney Opera House for two weeks. They offered scholarships that only covered half the cost. With my family living paycheck to paycheck, there was no way I could ever go. I have always struggled with school, but there are many factors as to why. I didn’t know that I had depression for a really long time, and I unfortunately sank into the feeling of helplessness. In eighth grade, I started having panic attacks. My psychiatrist gave me antidepressants that I ended up being allergic to, and I fell into withdrawal. I thought that being angry and hopeless was easier than fighting for my dreams. In a way, it is, but it wouldn’t ever get me anywhere that I wanted to be. Once the pandemic hit, I knew I truly needed help, but I had no idea where to go. I decided to take control of my life. I had to be the change I wanted to see in the world! I graduated high school when I thought I was going to drop out with a GPA of 3.33. I got a job and started working full-time while also doing 15 units of college at Folsom Lake College. I released a single with my band. I finally feel like I am capable of making my dream come true. I suddenly got extreme fatigue from standing up for long periods of time, walking up the stairs, and lifting things above 15 pounds. In a matter of months, I was having to use a walker or cane around the house. With physical therapy I am getting a little stronger, but they suspect I have fibromyalgia, or a form of autoimmune disease. It is getting harder to do normal things every day. I am still writing music, but with great difficulty. My family is about to become homeless again. My father has been unable to work, and my mother went out of state. With a broken-down car and little relatives, it is hard to continue seeing the future with an optimistic gaze. I refuse to let any of this stop me from the future I want. I have always worked hard, and I know that this will eventually work out with dedication!

I had my first panic attack when I was fourteen. I can still remember what it felt like as my breath turned cold and my vision blacked out. I felt like I was slowly losing control of my mind and my body, and it caused my self-esteem to slip. It was difficult to talk to psychiatrists and therapists about what was going on with my anxiety and depression, as it was poverty and the feelings of isolation and helplessness that accompanied it that made my life so difficult. As I found out that I was allergic to many antidepressants, I started to think that "curing" what was going on in my head clinically wasn't going to help me. I needed to find another way. Being poor in a wealthy area makes it difficult to express yourself the way you need to, and it can feel really alienating. When I was younger, I was always teased for only having one pair of shoes and "ratty" hair. I faced a lot of discrimination in school for being poor. Not having the money for supplies like printing paper or even highlighters had both students and teachers treating me differently. After my panic attacks started, my grades fell, and I fulfilled everyone's stereotype about poor people in school. I had many people call me stupid for things outside of my control, and it made my mental health worse. I have always wanted to go to college, but it felt impossible to achieve when I was barely graduating high school... When you feel alone, it is easy to look at the world and feel as if you are standing outside of it, away from everyone and everything. I am deciding to take control of my own life and mold it into something beautiful. I am starting to learn that it is important to look into myself as well. Developing a better relationship with myself has helped me have a better outlook in life I was comfortable with helplessness and suffering for a long time, so it was a hard pill to swallow when I realized I deserved better. I deserved better friends, better healthcare, better education, and a better life for my family and me. Since COVID-19 plunged us all into even more isolation, I had more practice in turning away from the burning world and started to tend to my own fire. I became more well-versed in my art and computer skills, I released a single on Spotify with my best friends, and I learned so much about myself and my needs. I graduated high school, and finally went to college! I am still struggling with academic self-esteem, but I am proving to myself that I have what it takes to achieve my goals in music and education. I developed new health concerns, but I am learning more about taking control of my life through changing my diet and physical therapy. My relationship with myself, although a little strained, couldn't be stronger. It has always been difficult, and it probably always will be difficult, but I am learning new ways to adapt and find more beauty in the world and myself one day at a time.