At the time of writing this, I am exactly 3 weeks away from seeing my dad for the first time since I moved away for college, fairly normal for an international student. This will also be the first time in six years that I see my dad for longer than an hour. I remember the day my dad was arrested in extreme detail. I was at my friend Diego’s place, he lived just across the street from me. I was sitting on the staircase leading into his living room when my grandpa called me to let me know what had happened I was somehow both surprised that my dad had gotten arrested and surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. See, my whole life I had witnessed my dad use and sell drugs, and, over the last couple of months I had spoken to countless cops. When I was seven years old a pair of cops broke open our apartment door. The cops told my mom to take me out for a walk and when I came back there were several plastic bags filled with substances I’d never seen before on the kitchen table. I remember my dad coming in for a meeting with my counselor and all the fifth-grade boys swarming around us. Rumors about my dad being a “gangster” had spread throughout the school and the counselor had to physically clear a path through a sea of intrigued eleven-year-olds. I remember being in seventh grade and being pulled out of class by a pair of cops. I remember the embarrassment washing over me and the sea of “OooOOhh”s that came from my classmate’s mouths. If you ask me about things that had a huge impact on my life, I most likely wouldn’t mention my dad’s incarceration. My dad going to prison wasn’t one major event in my life. It was something that I sort of always knew was going to happen, and then it did, and now it’s over. I can’t tell you what impact my dad’s criminality has had on my life because it has been one of the few constants in my life. What I can tell you with almost complete certainty is that we would have more money. My parents weren’t able to save even a penny for me. Everything went to my dad’s legal fees and other similar things. Obviously, my relationship with my dad and my life in general would be very different if it weren’t for my dad’s criminal history. But I have no idea what that would look like. All I’ve ever known is this relationship, one that is strained and distanced, but also oddly close due to all the hardship we’ve endured together. Would my life be better if my dad had never done anything illegal? Probably, but I don’t blame my dad for how my life turned out. Addiction is a disease and I know my dad always did the best he could.

I have found myself this past year. 2022 was a trying time for me, but also the first year I felt real hope for the future. At the beginning of 2022, I was still in high school, I had just applied to college and was so proud of myself for doing that. I was focusing on school as well as my extracurriculars to the point where that was all I was doing. I was living in an apartment with my best friend and to hear her describe it, despite us living together, I spent maybe 30 minutes with her every week. This was no surprise to me then but looking back at it, it was not healthy in the slightest. The first two weeks after I graduated high school I slept day and night. I only woke up for about an hour every day to eat and use the bathroom. The last semester of high school had taken everything I had and more. Once I finally had some energy again it was time for me to get to work on my move. I still had to get my visa, book a flight, sort through and pack everything I owned, and find a temporary home for my horse. The summer was a rollercoaster of emotions, I had to say goodbye to family and friends, and I was stressed about everything I had to get done, but at the same time, I was happy that I was actually leaving. In late August I arrived at the University of Minnesota. It had been eight months of stress but when I arrived at my dorm I felt a sense of relief. An “I made it” - feeling. This is when the real growth started. I started to find a work-life balance that didn’t mean working beyond my means. I found a community of people that accepted me for me and I started to figure out who I was. I went through a lot in 2022 that I haven’t even mentioned, but I'm entering 2023 with a sense of security I’ve never had before. I am secure enough in myself and in my community that I feel like I can face anything that 2023 throws at me. This year I will be prioritizing myself. I will do my best to ignore what others think of me and just know that, if I and the people I care about like me, that’s enough. I will do my best to ignore the FOMO and to remind myself that social media isn’t real. I will focus on growing into the person I want to become and putting positive energy into the world.

I had a hard time picking a song for this prompt. There are so many songs out there with deep and powerful meanings, but the one song that I kept coming back to is one from my childhood. “Ju mer dom spottar” by Swedish reggae artist Kapten Röd. The song title roughly translates to “The more they spit,” and in the chorus, Kapten Röd sings that “the more they spit on me, the faster I’ll bloom.” That is the core message of the song, to use your haters as fuel. What sets this song apart from other songs with a similar message is that it doesn’t diminish the pain that bullies and haters can cause a person. It talks about how there are way too many people who get ahead by putting others down. It advises to completely ignore anyone that doesn’t have your best interest at heart and to not let go of your good friends. It also encourages people to be the light in people’s lives. On top of all of the important messages in the lyrics, it is also an upbeat song that puts you in a good mood. It is fairly easy to write about angst, but to write about happiness and love is just as important, if not more.

I came to college with a very clear plan. I was going to study animal science while playing volleyball and I was going to FaceTime my grandma everyday. That last part was my grandmas only requirement to pay for my education. A lot has happened in the last year. In January of 2022 I tore my PCL and during my recovery I gained a lot of weight. This should have been expected given that I went from working out everyday to being forced to rest and do some light exercise every now and then. When I came back to my team my weight was the butt of every joke that my teammates and coach made. I started to realize that these people didn't have my best interest at heart, I developed an eating disorder and was forced to quit volleyball. When I was eventually allowed to go back to the sport I had lost all love for it. I lost a scholarship of 2 000 dollars but my grandma assured me that she could still pay. So I packed up everything I own and moved across the world. In the beginning I was super excited and loved the feeling of independence that I got. I also loved the University atmosphere. As difficult as dorm life can be I love my roommate and have made a ton of new friends. Then the unthinkable happened. I lost my grandma. The one person who had always been there for me. I am still dealing with the guilt of leaving Sweden and not spending my grandmas last months on earth with her. The last few weeks I have dealt with the grief of loosing my best friend and the only caregiver I have ever had. The loss of my grandma has been the only thing consuming my mind over the last few weeks and I have done my best to stay on track with school but all of my grades have taken a hit. The next hit came when I realized that my grandma can no longer help me pay for school. I now have a hold on my record and I can't register for next semester's classes. I'm constantly applying for loans and scholarships but most of all I'm panicking. I don't have a family to return to if I can't come back next semester. The one break I get from my panic is Rugby. I came to college without a sport and quickly realized that I really miss playing a sport and being part of a team. So I started playing rugby. This team that I am now a part of is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and it's made me realise something about my future. Nowhere have I ever felt as welcome and as at home as I do with the people on the Minnesota rugby team, and that's what sports teams are supposed to be. They're supposed to be people who lift you up and push you to be your best every day, not people who belittle you and make you fall out of love with the sport. I do still want to work with animals, but I can no longer see a future where I'm not involved in a sports club. I want to be a part of fostering the kind of environment that has been my saving grace. I can't see any version of my future where I don't come back to this team, even after I've graduated.