Death was a very difficult concept for me to grasp as I grew up. I chose to be in denial thinking that they are still alive. My thought process went from "They are still here." "They are not gone." "I'm still going to see them." to "Why can't they be here?" "Why did they have to leave?" "Why can't they see me succeed?". On January 7th, 2021, I finally understood. It is 1 AM and we suddenly get a call from my uncle, saying that he's gone. Rafa is no longer here. Just one week after celebrating the new year, my dad passed away after suffering from a brain tumor. Suddenly, everything went quiet. I was utterly shocked that I did not even process what I had just heard. I felt so emotionally gutted that it felt as if someone were hurting me physically. I broke down sobbing, with each tear running down my face and onto the sweater my dad had given me as a gift. I stayed in the only comfort of my bed for a week. Nothing in my stomach. Only tasting the salt from my tears as it ran down my mouth and to my pillow, absorbing it. Depression took over me, as I had no interest in doing anything. It took me a few months to accept his death and to live my life how I used to and how he would want me to. I finally understood what I have been thinking about for years and how it could affect one's mental state. I understand that do not want others to experience the lasting effects that I endured. I plan to major in psychology, specifically positive psychology to show others that they could make it and that it is okay to feel not okay.

"It's okay. Just be happy with what you have." "Think about happy thoughts." "You know other people have it worse than you. You should be grateful." As we are struggling with not knowing how to feel or trying to find any sight of motivation to keep going, we hear those words, and all of a sudden, our world goes quiet. Questioning ourselves even more and wondering if they are right. Well, they are wrong. We as a society push mental health to the side and have the mentality that we must push through our troubles in order to appear stronger and that nothing can stop us. Depression and anxiety had taken a toll on both my older sister and me due to traumatic experiences throughout our childhood and teenhood. Of course, being at a young age, mental illnesses are more likely to occur later on in life. However, when trying to express our emotions, we were told all of those sayings that were mentioned before. "Just be happy." "You're just sad." Those words hit you as you are already attempting to find the courage to speak about your experiences. The devasting part is that I am not the only one who has had this reaction. This is why I believe we should have a therapist or a psychologist at every school in California ranging from elementary to high school as children and teens begin to develop symptoms of mental illness at an early age. Yes, we have school counselors, but depending on the school, they could mainly be useful for school schedules. Revealing these options can cause the children to be more open and know that they are heard and that they are not wrong for feeling the way they do and providing the help they need.

The way I stay true to myself is by remembering how I would want myself to be treated and not settle for anything. In the past few years, I have learned to grow and realize that I am worth it and that I work hard on everything I do and tell myself that I deserve anything good that comes to me. I consider myself to be confident, assertive, and honest when it comes to my daily life. I have been through some traumatic experiences in my life and growing up and seeing what I had to go through at such an early age, I tell myself "I didn't deserve that" "But you've become stronger because of it" "You've grown". The person I was when she was going through one of the most difficult times in her life would be proud of the person she became. Yes, I have grown some mental problems because of those experiences but with the right help and right support system, she was able to accomplish everything in her daily life.

At the earliest age of 12, I went through many traumatic experiences that led to me having thoughts that at that age, I did not know I was capable of having. My parent’s divorce was the root of it all as the process was draining and stressful as my older sister and I were being put into unnecessary situations. One specific memory was us calling my dad and begging him to pay our rent since my mom did not make enough. “Si tu mamá no firma los papeles, no pagaré la renta.” saying that if my mom does not sign the divorce papers, then he will not pay for our rent. I was already being bullied and harassed at school and I come back home that later on will no longer be my home anymore. I tried to self-harm and was having suicidal thoughts as it was just too much to handle at that age. I have been through and seen the pain and I do not want anyone else feeling or going through the same feelings I did. Although my experiences made me want to help people more, the main reason why I want to be in the psychiatric field is because of my older sister. With her experiences, I have seen her lose herself to anxiety and depression and it is not a great sight. I want to be able to help people like my sister who have been through so many traumatic experiences and think that nothing can help them. Having someone who advocates for mental health just as much as I do, helped me understand other people’s situations and learn how to take a mental health day and have time for yourself. Everyone is different when it comes to their mental illnesses and I want to be able to understand, learn, and apply to different situations depending on what the person wants. When it comes to career aspirations, I did want to become a veterinarian but seeing how much mental health is more personal to me and I have more experience with it, I want to be able to help people see that things can get better and help them understand their mental disorder for those who do not understand it as much as others do. With mental health illnesses, it could be difficult for other people to understand, which could also affect the person with the illness itself to have a good support system. We need more advocates for mental health so we could be able to help those in need and help them realize that they are people that care about them and their problems.