Throughout my life, I have struggled with autism, ADHD, unspecified mood disorder, depression, and anxiety. Coming to high school, I struggled to voice my growing emotional concerns to my doctors and loved ones. I became increasingly more dissociated from my emotions and the people around me, and worried that if I felt nothing for anything or anyone I would unwittingly harm people I was close to. Additionally, if my circumstances were left unaddressed how could I be expected to find motivation for long-term goals such as college and a career? However, despite my best efforts, no one understood what i was trying to say. The experience of going unheard by my support system and psychiatrist led me to begin self-medicating as early as 9th grade. Throughout 9th grade, I experimented with substances including marijuana, LSD, and mushrooms. Initially, I saw these substances as "a way to have fun." However, by 10th and 11th grade I began to hear myself saying things like "I COULD stop if I really wanted to, but I just don't want to right now. What's the point?" while sitting across from my 'friends' while on a heavy dose of mushrooms. Over time, I began to realize that while I had no physical addiction to the drugs, I instead developed an emotional dependency. There was no way to have fun with friends if there wasn't at least one joint to pass around. In the end, the dull emotional state I sought to avoid was only being worsened by my substance abuse. By 11th grade, I began to despair over my situation. I began to tell myself “I’ll be clean now,” only to then decide to “have fun one more time.” This sent me tumbling back into usage within weeks time and time again. I frequently got high and immediately regretted it. Trip anxiety tormented me. Every time I smoked, I spent long hours discussing how much I didn't want to do drugs anymore. Yet within weeks I would be right back at it. I cannot pinpoint any particular moment where I finally set things right with myself. It was like I woke up one day and rather than constantly and actively resisting a compulsion, I simply had no DESIRE to do drugs. I can't imagine where I would be right now without that moment. As I'm writing this I have been drug-free for 1 year and 2 months. However, this isn’t a cookie-cutter happy ending. I still struggle with my mental health. The same issues I faced in freshman year plague me to this day. Every waking moment feels like a constant active effort just to exist and yet I still don't turn to drugs. When I wake up feeling like there's no reason to leave my bed, or when that voice in my mind whispers “Just one hit wouldn't hurt,” I strive to remember one simple fact. As a child psychiatrist, working 8 hours a day, 6 days a week, means 48 one-hour sessions a week. That comes out to 192 opportunities a month for a kid who's struggling to talk to someone who understands what they're going through just a little bit more than anyone else they've ever talked to. That's 192 chances for me to help someone in need. That is where I’ve found my motivation. I hope to pursue pre-medicine or psychology after graduation, with my end goal to be a psychiatrist specializing in children and adolescents. This scholarship would greatly support me in my endeavors to make a difference in the lives of those who are struggling with mental illness or addiction.