My first hospitalization happened earlier this year, in February, and the second followed about a month later. The two weeks I spent at Community and Options behavioral health facilities were filled with some of the most life-changing experiences I have gone through thus far. It is important to note that I wasn't able to get help from professional mental health counselors until I was 17. However, I had been struggling with depression, PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, and gender dysphoria for the majority of my adolescent life- I just had to go through it alone. I was alone until I met people I assumed where my last hope, yet even they ended up causing more harm than good.
I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation- there was a point in my life where when i closed my eyes the only thing I could see was darkness. No future. No goals. I felt as though the misfortune and adversity I was chosen to live through was just not worth seeing what I could become, and that's exactly what I expressed to doctor. That day changed the course of my life, and I don't know if for the better or worse. After returning from the reckless and non-inclusive care of Community, I returned to everyday life as if nothing had happened. Well something did happen, and it was something really big. I spent the next few weeks trying to ease the worries of my loved ones, promising them I was getting better when in reality, the water was rising and it was at the brink of overflowing the tub.
This leads us to my second, most recent hospitalization. I was transferred to the emergency room directly from my high school, having to have my parents drive me over for yet another goodbye. I don't know how else to describe what it felt like to watch my mother's heartbreak as i was being wheeled away by another gurnee other than pure, unadulterated aching. I felt as though the bones in my body had turned to mush as I began to curse my existence for making my mother see her child slowly destroying themselves. Mothers were never meant to see their kids die.
Through all this, I gained a perspective that allows me to see things as larger-than-myself. I realized that I'm not just living for the me I know now, I'm living for my parents and my siblings. I'm living for all the future love I will exchange in newly-formed life long relationships. I'm living to see the day where people like me can wake up and know tomorrow will be kinder than today. Of course there are days where the sun doesn't shine, and the clouds cover the stars in the night sky, but now I can keep hope. When I can't see the stars I tell myself that they will be there tomorrow, and the fact that I can think about existing in a tomorrow is revolutionary.
My journey has been tedious, emotional, and chaotic. I never envisioned that I would be here today to share the story of my battles and hardships. It is relieving to know that there are people who can sympathize with my pain, and although cruel that others exist just like me, there is a sense of unity. If there is one thing I learned through my experiences with my mental health it's this: There is always a kinder tomorrow.