1... 2... 3... a subtle nighttime breeze coerces me to pause and take in my first deep breath in minutes. I feel the comfort of the night's silence as the cool air kisses the tears on my cheeks away. 4... 5... 6... my heartbeat finally settles, but my eyes stay sewn tight. It's protection, I tell myself, from the world that never seems to have light at the end of the tunnel- The boisterous laughter of children in the house across from my own pulls me out of my post-panic attack haze. I couldn't remember the last time I was relaxed enough to laugh freely with my family and it was the sound of bright, carefree joy from children half my age that made me realize this… I wondered to myself about where had things gone wrong… Why do we get less happy as we age… How do I stop feeling this way before I internalize it forever…? That night, I realized the terrible truth about who I'd become during my sophomore year, the year school was through a computer. I was a ghost of myself. I'd been buried under piles of schoolwork and averaged 4 hours of sleep to get perfect scores, and while it yielded straight As, I sacrificed my mental and physical health in the process. Not only had I developed high blood pressure, the beat of my heart faltering every once in a while, and a tendency to get nauseous, but I'd also imprisoned myself with never-ending thoughts of doubt - thoughts that made me question whether life was worth living. I knew the doubts were leading me down a path I didn’t truly want when I heard how warm life could be that night. Knowing I couldn't continue down that path, I went into junior year challenging myself to learn from my mistakes. Having made my class schedule months before, I struggled to juggle the materials that the younger me thought I could handle; however, instead of beating myself up over it, I learned not to linger on failures. I also learned to be proud of my effort no matter the results - I was just as content with my C+ in AP Calculus as my A in AP U.S. History because I tried for both classes. But best of all, as my kindness to myself expanded, I developed an overwhelming amount of optimism to share with the people around me and, consequently, a deep urge to nourish and protect the children who needed help seeing the light of life again. Because it’s the wonder and joy of seeing humanity thrive that brought me out of my dark hole in the first place, and I can’t imagine ever forgetting that.