I have been a go-getter, always busy, always moving, type A sort of person for as long as I can remember. And for as long as I can remember, this has served me well (for the most part anyways). Sometimes however, in times of quiet or waiting, it doesn’t serve me well at all. In times of rest and waiting when there is little to do I find myself anxious because I’m not moving. I find myself uncertain and unsettled because I’m not busy and I’m not productive. It is during these times when I take a deep breath and remind myself: “Be present. Be still.” Those words remind me that it is a good thing to rest sometimes and to soak in the moments of waiting. It is a blessing to have times in life that aren’t filled with busyness and constant work. My breath and those words remind me to soak up every last moment and to be content and present to those around me. These words have served me well through many life transitions and are particularly applicable now as I wait to start my next chapter in life: moving to a new state and starting medical school. I am excited for this new challenge, for the busyness, for the new goals to set and reach, to feel motivation and productivity once again. However, for the next few weeks, I’ll be soaking up time with family, soaking up rest, and sitting contentedly in the waiting as I breathe in and remind myself “Be present.” and I breathe out and gently say “Be still.”

She told me she was scared to sleep at night. She wished there was a lock on the door; something to make her feel safe. She told me she’d stay up at night and just pray that her mother’s boyfriend wouldn’t come inside her room and touch her. She told me that after he left she would cry herself to sleep. She said she felt dirty and scared. She said her mom didn’t believe her. She didn’t want to tell the police. I’ve spent hours of time volunteering as a counselor for Crisis Text Line, a service that allows people to text in from their phones and receive messages from trained volunteers. Hours of time listening, soothing, and collaboratively problem solving. There’s something beautiful about being able to be present and to be a source of comfort when someone feels most scared, alone, hopeless, and vulnerable. But reading this little girl’s texts, my stomach twisted in knots and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit sick. How could anyone do such a thing? How could someone do that to a child? It’s what I signed up for though. Some conversations felt good: someone would text in, panicked and in pain and when the conversation came to a close, they had a plan, a little peace, and said a heartfelt thank you with their goodbye. Some conversations were like the one with the little girl: they started in fear and anxiety, and ended with little resolution, little peace, and a horrible amount of hopelessness. It was through the lens of crisis counseling that I began to understand my physician shadowing experiences. Some visits went well, others didn’t. Some patients were kind and grateful, others were crass and short-tempered. Some patients would get better quickly, others wouldn’t get better at all. It was very similar to the conversations I had with texters through the crisis line: I would listen to their problems and concerns, ask a few questions, and together we would come up with a plan. The conversation ended, and whether I classified it as “good” or “bad” I held on to hope that some of the compassion, patience, and peace I brought to the conversation would help them to at least get through the day and perhaps much more. My experiences with friends who struggle with their mental health and texters through my time counseling through Crisis Text Line have taught me the importance of patience and compassion along with the best ways to show others this compassion. In my future career as a physician, I hope to utilize the skills that I have learned in order to put my future patients at ease during times of fear and vulnerability. I hope that my patients will feel comfortable asking questions and that they will find satisfaction in my answers. I hope there are more “good” visits than “bad” ones. Just like crisis counseling, I know that it won’t always be easy, but I’ll take comfort in knowing that when our understanding of the human body just isn’t enough to achieve healing, a compassionate and patient listener can make even the worst pain just a little more bearable.

The senior design class for biomedical engineering students typically involves designing and prototyping the solution to a clinical need. However, because of the pandemic, my senior design experience looked significantly different and was arguably more analytically challenging than past years. In a way however, I am thankful for the resulting challenges. The new expectations involved higher level analyses which forced me to confront long-held insecurities about my ability to be a “good” engineer. In confronting these insecurities, I also further explored the role of engineering in medicine and how both fit into my future career goals. I began by reflecting on shadowing opportunities and discussions with physician mentors who have engineering backgrounds. While the challenges presented by the changes to my senior design class were frustrating and stressful at times, they also helped me learn to be quicker to ask for help and more organized as I explain my thinking to others. These experiences, along with a renewed sense of confidence in my engineering abilities, have given me a greater understanding and desire to work at the intersection of health and engineering in my career as a physician in order to provide my future patients with the best care possible.