On February 19, 2026, my life changed forever. I was driving to the gym when I received a phone call from a family member informing me that my older cousin, Christina “Tina” Marie Schoenecker, had died. As the oldest child in my household, I always viewed Tina as more of a sister than a cousin. I admired her and aspired to follow in her footsteps. After Tina joined the United States Army Reserve directly out of high school in 2010, I followed a similar path by enlisting in the United States Air Force Reserve in 2013.
In May 2017, Tina deployed to Baghdad, Iraq. Two months later, I deployed to Kuwait. During our deployments, we communicated regularly, often discussing military life and challenges of deployment that nobody else in our family would understand. We spoke often about the future and made plans to travel together once we returned home.
I returned home in January 2018. Tina was expected to return only weeks later. Instead, I received the devastating news that she had died from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound in her barracks. The moment I heard those words, everything around me seemed to stop. I immediately called my mother to see whether she had been notified. To this day, I can still hear her screams after learning that her oldest niece was gone.
I remember experiencing tunnel vision. I was already driving when I got the call, and I could not even process where I was going. I drove straight to the gym simply because that had been my original destination. Sitting in the parking lot, I tried to gather my thoughts before realizing I needed to go home to Arlington, Kansas. Tina was buried in our hometown cemetery after a closed-casket military service, a reality that felt impossible to accept.
In the months following her death, my aunt frequently consulted me about military procedures and information she received from the Army bereavement liaison. As she shared additional details surrounding Tina’s death, I found myself searching for answers and closure that never came. Nothing about her death made sense to me. I replayed our conversations repeatedly, looking for warning signs I may have missed. The more information I learned, the less peace I found.
Over time, I developed an overwhelming and irrational sense of guilt. I convinced myself that Tina should have made it home instead of me, despite knowing logically that such thoughts made no sense. At the time, however, I did not understand why I felt that way. I believed I needed to remain strong for my family, which struggled to cope with our loss. I wanted to be the person who held everyone together. I wanted to fix what had been broken.
Instead, I suffered in silence.
As the years passed, the cumulative effect of suppressing my emotions and feeding my own negative thoughts began to take hold. What I ignored mentally began to manifest physically through anger, emotional withdrawal, and thoughts of self-harm. Even then, I refused to acknowledge that I needed help. When Tina’s younger sister later attempted to overdose on over-the-counter medication, I focused entirely on helping her while continuing to ignore my own deteriorating mental health.
In the military, suicide awareness and prevention training is common. Service members are taught to recognize warning signs and support others in crisis. At the same time, however, military culture often emphasizes toughness, resilience, and pushing through pain to accomplish the mission. I embraced that mentality fully. I internalized the belief that admitting vulnerability was failure.
In 2021, I married my wife and began building a family despite carrying unresolved trauma and emotional instability. The reality of how deeply I was struggling became impossible to ignore in 2022, when I failed a polygraph examination during the hiring process for a law enforcement position because I answered honestly that suicidal thoughts had crossed my mind in the past. Without any meaningful discussion or context, I was effectively excluded from a profession centered around exposure to trauma and crisis.
That experience profoundly changed how I viewed mental health in society. For the first time, I realized that honesty about mental health struggles could carry professional and social consequences. I came away believing that, if I wanted to succeed, I would need to suppress my reality and pretend everything was fine. Meanwhile, my wife often described me as a “ticking time bomb.” Although I was never physically abusive, I was irritable, emotionally distant, and difficult to be around.
By 2024, it became undeniable that something needed to change. Encouraged by my wife and recognizing that I could not continue living the way I had, I sought treatment through the Veterans Health Administration. I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder.
Treatment forced me to confront emotions I had spent years suppressing. I began to understand that seeking help was not weakness, but strength. That realization changed my life.
As I progressed through treatment, I began opening up to my family about my experiences. I established more honest and meaningful conversations with my aunt, cousins, and others who had also been affected by Tina’s death. I also became someone friends and colleagues could confide in regarding their own struggles with mental health. Rather than avoiding difficult conversations, I worked to create an environment where people felt safe being honest about their pain and seeking help when needed.
Most importantly, I learned what healthy coping and emotional communication looked like, lessons I now strive to model for my daughter. My experiences have fundamentally changed how I communicate with both myself and others. They have deepened my empathy, strengthened my relationships, and reshaped my goals in life. While Tina’s death will always remain one of the most painful experiences I have endured, it also forced me to confront truths about mental health, vulnerability, and resilience. Through that journey, I have become more compassionate, more self-aware, and more committed to living authentically and helping others do the same.