RESILIENCE Scholarship

It's perceived that grief is a seven step process, but if you have personally experienced such pain, could you honestly say it is that simple? The pain, the sorrow, the confusion, and the guilt, in some cases, can be monumental, and take on various forms. During the second half of my freshman year, in February 2019, I got a call from my dad to come home from my track meet early, which caught me entirely by surprise, as we previously agreed I would stay the entire meet. Despite that, it seemed serious, so I got a ride home within 15 minutes. When I arrived, the emotional pressure of the room my family was in was debilitating, palatable even. I was told to sit with my sister beside me, both of us unaware and unprepared for what news we were to receive. And as my dad spoke, I will never forget the way his voice wavered saying “Mami is gone.” I didn't understand at first because he could have been talking about his mom, or mine, which I didn't live with. But during my moment of shock and confusion, my sister broke down, understandably, and it was then when it hit me. My mom was gone. I was so lost and confused, over and over again repeating, “Why? I just texted her hours ago, why?ˮ I had always been aware she had been struggling with mental health issues, but this came out of nowhere for me, even more so knowing she took her own life. I remember, for months after, being so scared and lost without my mother figure, and being hesitant of being vulnerable, as I had to “be strong” for my sister, being the oldest. My family had to walk on eggshells around us, as they weren't sure how we would take it for so long, and truthfully neither did we. Prior to said event, my sister and I were already in therapy for our unfortunately traumatic childhood, so continuing that healing after my mom's passing, it was more restorative than I could have realized. It sounds cliche, but the struggle was real; it still is. Opening up to the only other person who could truly understand where I was during this mental exhaustion, my sister and I became each other's support systems. We did strive to open up to my dad and my mom's family, which of course helped, but there was no other match to how well my sister and I helped each other in this life-changing situation. And almost as a distraction, I immersed myself in my school work and after-school activities, which surprisingly landed me at the top of my class for both my freshman, sophomore and junior year. Continuing to push myself through my academics and surrounding myself with people who care about my well-being carried me through the horrendously painful grief I experienced. Visiting these rather tender memories, I cannot express enough how much it has changed me as a person. Throughout the ever evolving process, I find myself experiencing varying emotions, from normal to thoroughly exhausting. And picking up on how I can feel day to day was an engaging learning experience, yet I do it not only for myself, but for others as well. Being aware of what I can do to help a person, with my hyperawareness to emotion, makes me feel like a better friend, sister, daughter and fellow student. And evolving my ability to work under pressure, in almost any situation, is something I never expected, but will be grateful for in the present and near future.